Robins Williams Passing... pt 1

They say that its the people with biggest smiles, hide the most pain. Those who use laughter to shroud how they really feel, I am guilty of this as well. 

There was a smile on my face no matter how badly I was feeling, being able to hide the misery inside became easy at an early age. School is hell when you are different, and I was taller and larger than everyone in kindergarten and you can only imagine how it went from there. 

It turned from curious inquires on why i was taller and chunker to blatant remarks in first grade. And the pounds just kept coming, I cannot blame anything on my parents they did with what we had. We had a garden and being a kid, you couldn't pay me to eat that stuff. So the things I did eat weren't the greatest, its not any fault of my parents. Its genetics and lack of information... period.. 

I started really noticing hate when I was in second grade, where kids who didn't seem to mind talking to me the years before. Suddenly became way too cool to be seen talking to me, I was weird and fat and didn't have the coolest bookbag or clothes. It suddenly became very lonely to be in school, so I would act up laughing at myself at least was some sort of attention. Any bit of attention was better than being hated and ignored. So of course I became the class clown, at least you're funny!!! 

Its how I have dealt with everything my entire life, as long as I laugh first, then no one can hurt me. That is a huge load of bullshit, it always hurt. It hurt when I laughed at myself and it hurt when they laughed with me. Because no matter what they were still making fun of me, and I was still as lonely and hurt as ever. So the rest of my school experience was horrific, getting gum tossed in my hair, being bullied and shamed. Being spit at and pushed down, and of course the one thing in life that made me feel good was eating. 

So eating my feelings was the only way I knew to cope, and I would accept anyones friendship no matter how badly they would treat me. Because any attention was better than none at all right? Lets skip out of the school zone and chalk it up to living in the area I did, and the lack of information. 

 When my father died my world stopped.. IT STOPPED! everything shifted and the world simply dropped out of orbit for me. He was my best friend, one of the only people in my life that loved me for just me.  He raised me while my poor mom had to work and slave away to try and pay bills. She put herself through college and tried to make a life for us. It wasn't easy on her part either, so when I tell you the world stopped for me, it crashed for her. ... 

Life as i knew it became nothing, I wanted to join him so badly. I simply couldn't understand why God would take him from us. Why on earth did I have to live without my daddy. I still wonder that from time to time, but as I am much older and wiser I understand that God puts angels in your life and sometimes they aren't meant to stay there forever because he needs them back. 

Anyways, thinking about Robin Williams death.. I know that place he was in, I know that sinking feeling. That feeling of making everyone else laugh so they don't see your dying little by little inside. That dark cloud that never seems to dissipate. The worries and shortcoming constantly  keeping you up at night. The feeling that you can't breathe, and if only it could just stop. That feeling that everyone would be so much better off if I were gone. That no one loves or cares for me, and that the pain would finally end. That wish for peace and quiet in my head just for a moment. That the darkness that surrounds me would finally envelope me and I would be at rest. 

In early 2000's I got out of Job Corps and became severely depressed.  I wouldn't come out of my room, I would lay in bed for days and days. Not eating not drinking not talking, just waiting for death to take me. I would carve words into my flesh because at least in that moment i would feel something. I would feel pain which was so much better than the dead feelings I had inside.  But when my friends would come around or someone would call I would do my best to laugh and joke and pretend I was having a great time. Inside of course I would be screaming, pleading and wishing for it all to be over soon. 

I went into a mental hospital three different times trying to figure out what was wrong with me. ... lets leave this one here..This will be a two parter because its getting long and I there is so much I need to say...  Ill write more either today or finish it up tomorrow <3 

Coffee and wondering where this road leads..

I spent some time this morning pondering over coffee, in what direction is my life going? I remember asking myself this very same question when I turned 30 years old and decided to start college. Now 30,000 dollars in debt (thanks university of phoenix), I still haven't used the degree I got. 

Don't get me wrong I know I have made various strides into fixing my life, but what direction is it going. Where do I see myself in 10 years, what is going to help me be the best ME. So with these questions in mind, I am going to slowly formulate this morning. 

Everyone knows I want a family, but when I push aside my raging hormones for a moment. I can clearly think that without saving and working it wouldn't work. That just trying to live off of matthews income wouldn't be feasible to raise a family. I haven't worked in a very very long time, 9 years since my accident and my withdrawal from life completely. So unless its a miracle I am going to push having babies back another year or so. Yes .. yes i am going to be old, shut up!! I will be 37 maybe even verging on 38, but I will be super healthy, and a lot wiser than I am now. I will also with all hopes have a nest egg to help transition having a super cute human dimpled mini me. 

So I have also thought about going back to school, but considering that I cannot even use the degree I have now.. the thought of going back seems unlikely. I do however kinda toss around looking at getting certified for medical billing, since that is what my degree is in anyways. And it would be way cool to toss medical jargon around and look smart!!!! 

Now on the subject of skin issues, well it would seem it is going to be a long process that is going to suck major ass. Yah so tricare won't pay for much except for the apron removal, but that won't stop me from trying to get more approved. I just need to find the right doctors to help me, I won't give up that easy and there would be no way in hell I could afford the amount of money it would take to fix this on my own. Then again i have a long while before I can consider taking skin off, so for now ill suck it up and just keep on.. keeping on. 

Traveling... uh yes I am planning (prays so hard right now), that I can head to the east coast to visit my mother and brother in March of next year. It will still be cool enough that I won't die trying to go to disney world and other festivities. I haven't seen my mother in a very long time, and well my brother in lets say since 2002. As my only living sibling it would be nice to try and reconnect at some point, but we shall see how that goes. We are very different and have had very little contact since I was a kid. I do love him very much, but honestly we don't know each other. I would very much like to change that some day but we shall see. <3 

Let me tell you about this man who married me, unconditional love. Its what I receive every single day of my life. He loves me with everything he has and more.. I couldn't have asked for someone better, as I have stated so many times God granted me one wish. To have someone who would love me no matter what, thats what i prayed for since i was so very little. And I got my miracle because I can assure you I am a damned handful and a half. My hormones have me going from 0-Kill in no time, he is immune to my temper tantrums with what I call him having the patience gene. It surely is missing from my chromosomes, I have absolutely NO patience. He is so good to me even when i don't deserve it, he always has open arms and for all the little things I am eternally grateful to have someone as precious and amazing as him in my life. 

So the road is long, and the journey for me is just starting... I am looking forward to seeing where this road is going to lead! 

Thats all for now my pretty little losers ... from your favorite Villainess N~ <3

Winds of change..... not everyone is going to like the "new" you..

I have been avoiding blogging lately because I suffered a heavy blow to my heart, mind, and ego a few weeks back. 

I haven't wanted to blog about it until I knew how i actually felt about the situation. Here it is, after much over thinking, crying, throwing things, much depression, therapy, and self loathing. I am finally able to fully blog about it and let the thoughts leave my brain hopefully for good. 

Once upon a time, and odd little girl had no friends..... So she found a group of misfits to hang with in highschool that didn't fit in either. We went through lots in JROTC and it was fun times, until my life took a big fat crap and my father died. Once my dad died nothing mattered to me anymore, my life as i was concerned was over. So i stopped caring and dropped out of highschool, disconnected all family ties and friendships and went to Job Corps. Where my life would further disintegrate I went from people being terrible to me in highschool, to real life thugs and delinquents being ultra horrible to me in Job Corps. 

So you can imagine that didn't bode well for me either, the story of Job Corps will come one day but its long and drawn out and involves setting a table on fire.... So yeah another time for that!

Once I was released from prison (Job Corps), I found a quiet little place to settle down in Tennessee where I fit in with some really interesting people lol. I always look back on those few years fondly, I still talk to several people that I lived with back then. Anyways! I just kept losing myself, this time in drugs and alcohol. I went into a mental institution three times trying to figure out what was wrong with tme. 2001 is when I started getting agoraphobic and more even more distant that I have ever been before. 

I was put on all sorts of drugs, told I was bi polar (*which I am not*), told I am a sociopath (lol maybe i won't tell) there are all sorts of things I was branded. Other than what is really the underlieing problem I fucking miss my dad, has been fat shamed since childhood and I was a big brooding mess. I shunned the world just as they had shunned me, I wanted nothing to do with it. I found ways to live with different people so I wouldn't have to deal with the outside world. 

So there is a bit of a backstory for you, now lets get down with how I am feeling today. MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH better, for the first time I don't cringe going outside. I don't cringe walking into a restaurant feeling that people are staring at me. I don't fear going into a door that is closed in an office because everyone always looks when the door opens and i would be stared at. I don't cry myself to bed at night because im scared im going to die tomorrow because im 500 pounds. I don't have to pray to god to bring people who love me. I don't have to make excuses on why i don't want to go to parties because im not feeling well. 

I don't have to worry about finding clothes online because there is nothing in a store big enough to fit me. I dont have to hide who i am under hundreds of pounds of fat anymore, those layers are gone. I loving the person I have become, and the person I am still trying to achieve. But not everyone feels the same way about me now... 

Friends that I thought were ride or die, aren't..... and i guess thats the hardest thing I have had to come to grips with. Is that when  you change yourself, when you turn your life upside down not everyone is going to like the new you. 

That happened to me a few weeks ago, my god I had to realise that I have changed so much that someone I have known  half my life no longer wants anything to do with me. That someone I felt was real family could just cut me off like I was nothing to her. That someone that I would have given anything for, kidney, liver... anything a fucking bullet could drop me like I was yesterdays trash. 

I have had to come to terms with this, and accept it for what it is. The old nirvana would run back groveling and asking for forgiveness. The old Nirvana would scream and cry and brood, running from life and think about what a horrible person she is. The old nirvana isn't fucking here anymore, that fat self loathing bitch died August 20th 2013. Its been a year since I have seen here almost, and I'm not visiting her grave to grieve. 

I will not be used and abused nor will I crawl back on my hands and knees begging. I am a damn good person... I love passionately and if I consider you family I would do anything to help you. If I have it and I can do it is yours.. I hate what happened to my friendship, it hurt me more than I can express. And time may heal all things who knows.. maybe years down the road we can come back together. But right now its about getting my life back together, and focusing on building my family. This person helped me more than I can express, for that I am eternally grateful. I couldn't say enough about what this person did for me to help me get my gastric bypass. And I will stay grateful no matter if we are talking or not.

I love this person with everything I have, and that won't change because I am not talking to her. It just simply is what it is, I am not the girl you met in highschool, I am not the same helpless, wheelchair bound person I was last year.. I cannot go back to yesterday I was a different person then!! 

With much love my pretty little losers, your favorite Villainess N~

The past is still an important tool

Often times I find myself reminiscing about the past, thinking about how different my life could have been. But then again that doesn't really help me does it? I cannot change any of it whats done is done, and the only thing i can work on, the only thing I can change is the outcome of my future. 

I have made so many stupid mistakes in my life that its not remotely amusing to me. The things that bother me the most are the things I cannot seem to let go of. I would love to say all my weight came on after my dad died, after my brother passed. But thats not the truth, I was heavy my entire life and sadly I didn't know how to fix "myself back then". I didn't realize half of what I do now, but who really does in hindsight? 

Side note: my ass hurts the padding that once covered my booty is slowly leaving me and sitting for too long in any chair hurts my ass.. that is all.. 


I am so proud of how far I came, but a big part of me is angry I even got here to begin with. The fact I had to cut my stomach open and rearrange my body parts pisses me off. The fact that I had to wait until I was 34 to get my head out of my ass also pisses me off. I tried to get gastric bypass in 2004, but my insurance said it was too "new" and that they wouldn't pay for it. I know that had I gotten off the ball and gotten on ssi I could have gotten it done faster as well, and of course been on disability at the same time. But I have always gone the path of less resistance and filing paperwork was annoying so I just waited. To die... or for something else to happen to change my life. 

Matthew did change my life and for the better, he gave me so much hope and love and friendship that I finally found the reason to change. It wasn't for HIM per-say but he is a large part of it, I used to pray to God every night please .. please.. please bring me someone who could love me for me.. someone who could see past all my fat and just love and cherish me.. I cried myself to sleep praying this same prayer constantly wishing I had a hand to hold, wishing someone would want to be romantic with me.. Someone would NEED and WANT me, i was so lonely and only getting bigger. I felt broken and used up, I felt that I would never have anyone who would treat me well, and find that "one".

But I did he fell in to my lap in and built a friendship he made it so easy to love him. And though i was terrified and scared to show the REAL me, after all the pain I had suffered. He didn't even bat an eye about my weight, I thought he was a scammer. I had no idea what I had stumbled across, the "one" I was praying for had finally come. And here we are six years later stronger and happier than I have ever been in my entire life. 

I know in my heart that I had to go through all the horrible events of my life in order to be where I am today. I understand that I would not appreciate Matthew the way I do, had I never dealt with the God awful relationships I had before him. I would not be the person I am today if life had been easy. 

The past is the past, but its still important it shows you where you have been. And lets you appreciate how different your life has become.. Or at least that is what I am taking from it, the past doesn't have to repeat itself. I am far from where I want to be but.. I am closer to success than I am failure. 

I want nothing more in life than to see my friends and family succeed, to watch them flourish and grow. Its amazing to see how hard people are willing to fight for a better tomorrow. I have seen people drop serious weight, overcome so many obstacles that others would have given up over. Being on Facebook and YouTube has taught me so much about people in general. Sure there is drama, but the community is so much more than that. A little drama won't kill  us in fact it spices things up from time to time. 

I am very sleepy its late for me but I am trying to upload a damn video and its already been an hour, i really wish i could turn the good net on here... argh being broke right now SUCKS!! lol xo won't be too long im sure no worries you know im still here you can find me on facebook and youtube if you need me.. <3 


Thats all for now my pretty little losers from your favorite villainess N~
https://www.facebook.com/NirvanaBowersLee
https://www.youtube.com/user/VapidVillainess
http://vapidvillainess.blogspot.com
http://nirvanathegastricfoodie.blogspot.com/

Feeling faulty.... and eating my feelings... argh

I drank myself stupid last night for the first time since surgery I had WAYYYYY to many: plus had some fairly salty food to add to it. I haven't been eating right for the last two weeks and I know why.... I got angry because I took hormones to help me get my cycle and it didn't work. I feel faulty.... Everyone asks when are you going to start having kids. I know plenty of people who have kids who are bigger than you now...

I don't think people understand how much that hurts me... I am devastated that I cannot have children yet, and then of course I get the people who are don't get pregnant now you will gain all your weight back........!! I am damned if i do.. and damned if i don't.... I am going to be 36 years old, I want children so badly but its not in the cards right now. Its very hard for me yet no one seems to understand, if i could I would... If God wants to grant it then it will be soooo I have no control over having kids. My husband is fucking perfect we have tested, its all me baby!!!

So today I need to get this out, because I am eating my feelings which is something I cannot allow myself to do.

I am so bored being at home during the day, I really need to find a job or something to do. Because eating out of boredom isn't an option either, and everyone knows when they are doing it. So today the scale screamed at me 338... thats the end of that mess! Back to shakes and eating only my diet food, get it together dipshit..

Children are a blessing and I cannot wait to be a mother one day, I am not even upset that its not today... its the fact that I want the option. There is nothing wrong with just wanting the option to have kids is there? I HATE being told you will gain all your weight back, thats two hundred fucking pounds... That isn't going to happen, what do they think i wake up and decide im never eating healthy again, or ill never exercise ever again?!!?? I would be pregnant not stupid!? That shit makes my agent orange act up seriously.. Would it be harder to lose more weight.. I am sure it would with hormones but welcome to being a woman.. If other women can lose it after pregnancy why the hell couldn't I???? I am motivated and dedicated to my new life. I fuck up just like everyone else but I get back on the horse and keep riding damn it... Have a little faith in me will ya!?


I know that people adopt and thats fantastic for them.. But i am not at that point yet, and its not really something I want to consider until I have no options left. I have a dear and beautiful friend that is adopting three wonderful babies.... She is an amazing woman and mother and I am so proud of her so I have nothing against adoption its just not what I am looking into at the moment.

I will be bringing this up to my therapist on monday, hopefully she can shed some light into this mess in my head. I want nothing more than to just hand someone else my brain and let them fix all the crossed wires. Just hand it over and be like here.. you do this! Because I am so fragile about this subject right now, do you see this picture ...

 

This picture sums it all up, this is my "technically" nieces daughter lily... She's two months old and I fell in love the moment I saw her. The look on my face tells it all, she puked on me and it was all over my hands, pants, shirt and I said.. AWWWWWW!!! I spent a good two hours holding that baby and it was the best feeling ever, she fussed and cried and puked and farted on me and it was perfectly fine with me. One day I pray this will happen for us, doesn't have to be today but I just want to know its a possibility there is nothing wrong with that... 

Thats all for now my pretty little losers, I am still waiting on my internet to be reinstalled the one I am on is ballssss right now so no videos for a bit.. <3 from your favorite Villainess N~

Time to get back on track..

I love life, for the first time in my entire life I can say that without a smallest amount of humor hidden in my voice. Life is becoming everything that I could have dreamed of and more. 

Had i known what I was missing so many years ago, I wouldn't have needed the surgery in the first place. I wish when i was younger I could have used GYM to work out and learned how good it felt. But being bullied and being made fun of because I was weaker and fatter than the other kids, only propagated my lack of wanting to even try. 

But those times are over, and times are a changing and with those times I am forced to face my own fears and change with them. "Time waits for no man": is an important quote because life happens all around you. No matter if you choose to enjoy it and reap the full benefits or not. Time doesn't stop just because you are afraid... 

I have spent 34 years of my life being afraid to be myself, being afraid to grasp all that life can offer. Those days are over and I am thrilled to death at how much I can learn and accomplish in one year. I had someone tell me the other day that if i hadn't have had gastric bypass that I would still be the same person I was over a year ago. And I said to them I was making the right changes before my surgery, there is no way I would have stayed the same. 

Getting my surgery was important don't get me wrong, it has helped me tremendously and I won't even try to hide that fact. But I am not defined by the surgery alone, it is a tool to help me lose the weight but I have to kill myself working out and choosing what goes in my body for the tool to work. I have hormonal issues that have helped me reach the weight I became at 512 pounds, and not to mention our good old friend fear. 

This beautiful tool has been amazing in helping me achieve some of my goals, but I am far from where I need to be. I won't be done with my body or this beautiful journey for years maybe. And i am in no rush I am going to enjoy every single moment of my life. I am not going to hide myself any longer I am forcing myself to get out there and do. Thats what we should all do, life is too precious to worry about driving, or crowds, or drama of any kind. Life is so wonderful and short to not want to live every single day of it as if it was your last. So its time to get back on track, I have moved and life isn't waiting for me! <3 

Thats all for now my pretty little losers... <3 from you favorite Villainess N~ 

Driving Miss cray cray!

Oh boy!! one of my largest fears in life is driving.. I hate driving with a passion its never a "fun" activity for me. Its something i loath, but having said that it is necessary if I want to get my life back on track. 

Back on track means so many different things lately, I honestly just want to feel like I can overcome the fears that held me captive for 22 years. I want to feel the freedom to do whatever the hell i want when I want too, and spit in fears face with a hearty laugh *you have no power here*!!!!.. 

I have spent my entire life being afraid of what people would think, how I would feel if.... this or that would happen. That I wasn't living, I was barely existing to say the least. I watched one of my oldest videos from 2012 on YouTube ill leave a link. I saw someone who wanted help so badly, every word laced with fear and doubt. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVwBkHZTtTY

I have come to awfully far, in one year seven months since that video I have turned my life completely upside down.. I have shaken all the cobwebs off and decided that the life I want isn't something to be fearful of....its something to reach for, to obtain it no matter what the cost! I decided the only person whose approval i needed was my own.. 

I drove on the interstate 77 miles yesterday, and no doubt ill be doing it again tonight. I fought through traffic, a hubcap fasco, and telling my comfort zone to suck it... The more fears I push through the less of a comfort zone I leave to run back too.... Change really does start with that one step outside of where you feel comfortable.... 

I am looking for jobs in my new area, not just so we have more money to live off of. But because dealing with large numbers of people scare the living hell out of me, I hate it with a passion. I am sweating now just thinking about it, but then again I have never been one for large groups of people. That is no excuse!!! I won't let fear capture me like that, I am not going to allow myself to fall back into my old life. 

Make the change and stick with it no matter what... Learn your limits and always remember to take it slow. You will be proud of what you can achieve if you will just try! It can never hurt to try, and even if you don't make it the first time, thats okay there is always the next time.... goals don't have an expiration date!!!! <3 


Thats all for now my pretty little losers, from your favorite Villainess N <3 

Getting surgery is just part of the process.. to succeed you need so much more..

If i have learned anything about losing weight, it is that its 30% physical and 70% mental.. Motivation to succeed is EVERYTHING, you won't lose a damn pound (and keep it off)... unless you have the motivation and will to do so... 

Don't get me wrong I realize you can lose weight by getting surgery, but unless you get off your butt and work for it. How long do you foresee those pounds saying off? Getting surgery doesn't fix everything, I am a firm believer that people who turn to weight loss surgery should have mandatory counseling before and after. That their insurance companies shouldn't sign off unless the contract mandates there is counseling at least twice a month.

Most people I have talked too, haven't even made the stride after surgery to continue with group therapy. I cannot understand this, as having others to talk to about what you are going through can only help. There are so many of us that scream we don't know whats going on, and worry about the complications. Which is why we turn to online for help, but there is something to be said about having people in person to help you when things get tough. Having that life line where you can have someone come over at 3 in the morning when you are staring down that last cupcake your family brought over, and your evening what complete shit.. 

Therapy doesn't mean you are crazy, it honestly means that you are willing to agree you cannot do this all by yourself. And having someone else in a group setting to bounce your problems off of is never a bad idea. I know for myself I have tons of people online i can talk too, and vent.. I have family here if i honestly needed them they could help. My own mother has had gastric bypass and I turn to her often to share our new food finds, or just in general talk about how things are going. There is always someone to talk to if you honestly need it, don't ever feel as if you are alone. If you feel that way its by your own choice, there are groups and people out there but you have to make the first step if you want to get better. 

I feel as I travel down this path, going deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole that I need the support of people who have been through this more and more each day. My husband is fantastic, but he is a string bean lol, he has the exact opposite problem he cannot gain weight (muscle). So though he has no idea how hard it is to lose weight he tries his best to accommodate my diet and work with me and my food temper tantrums daily lol. 

I realize half of my problem, when it comes to food... It tastes good LOL. If they could just stop making tasty food id be fine!! But alas food is only going to get more tasty and its going to be my job to continue eating clean, and training hard each and every day. I will mess up, and I am okay with that because it makes me human. And at the end of the day I am proud of my accomplishments and im truly figuring out what being happy feels like for the first time in my life.. 

Well thats all for now my pretty little losers.... From your favorite Villainess N~ <3

The grass is greener....

I think its far to often, we all look to the other side of the road and see how beautiful the grass is over there. Its so much greener, therefore it has to be better..

Honestly I rarely think about how some people have it worse off than me, I mean I can be pretty damn selfish when it comes down to it. There are so many times that i get wrapped up in my journey that I forget about others that may be suffering. 

The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the road, and for that matter there are people out there that would LOVE to have my life right now... Fuck i feel like a turd just thinking about it, I have been seriously blessed this last year and a half.. My life is a million times better than it was two xmas's ago. 

But I think of how often people complain about their situation, how much they HAVEN'T lost, or there is plateau, or its not fast enough... And forget that there are people out there at 400, 500, 600+ pounds that would kill for gastric bypass, that would do anything if they could lose 40, 50, 60 pounds. I would know last year I was one of those people. But its important to realize where you come from, and be humbled by your success. Realize that though your journey is awesome for you, that there are so many people who have it so much worse than you do. 

Don't get me wrong, I know I have every reason to boast about my journey and how far I have come. As long as I remember that there are people who have no hope, that need help, and that it isn't a race to see who finishes first. If you get one pound off thats one more than the person bed bound by their weight. If you are able to walk one mile, thats one mile more than the person in a wheel chair unable to be free. 

Its important to realize this journey isn't just yours alone, there are so many people who look at some of us who are making it. Who need to see what it can be like with help and guidance. Who are looking for that one person to show them the way.... And if you are constantly complaining about how little you've lost, or that your struggling with your food addictions, or that you are tired of none of your clothing fitting you because your so small.. Maybe you need to sit back and think about all those people who might be reading your wall, your blog, or watching your vlog and wishing they had your problems... 

I hope to change for the better, and I am doing my best to be less of a douche waffle in the process ... <3 

Thats all tonight my pretty little losers, love your favorite Villainess N~

Never say never..

If you would have asked me December 01, 2012 if I would be 181 pounds lighter, driving a car, walking two miles and able to bike 6.... I would have laughed in your face. I would have told you that you lost your damn mind... I would have shook my head and said sureeeee!!!

That day was when I moved to Woodbridge VA, to live with Janet, and started my new life.. I was so large that getting up the steps to her apartment hurt, there were only three.. That i needed help getting off her couch (like actually having someone pull me up), that I had to have someone help me down the steps into her basement, and it would take me forever to go back up them.. 13 steps were the bane of my existence. There were times those steps were the fucking devil, and I loathed them so much I would stay in the basement in my room for days.. Have my food brought to me, because going up them hurt so badly...

I couldn't even walk to the end of her street without help, standing for more than a few moments at a time was unbearable.. I was always on the look out for the next place to sit, my crutch.... Terrified to go out of the house without my wheel chair, and being dropped off in front of everything so i wouldn't have to walk more than a few steps at a time.. THIS WAS NOT LIVING!! 

I was miserable, simply miserable and I fought change the entire way... because fear of the unknown is my enemy.... fear of changing things up ... of just TRYING! I was so set in my ways, I couldn't be talked into trying anything on my own, I was so used to being catered too, being completely dependent on others to understand the strain it was putting on those around me. I can never get back the time I spent at Janets, and our friendship took a powerful hit those 10 months I was there... When you are unable to take care of yourself and rely on someone as much as I had too, things never really go back to the way they were afterwards.. I have come to terms with this.. and both of us right now have our own lives to focus on. I am okay with this, time will heal all things.. <3


So many people have asked me how did you lose the weight before surgery... I can only really tell you that I whined, cried, prayed, binged, and killed myself at the gym for hours and hours of time almost everyday I could get there..... I would work myself ragged, I was getting this surgery no matter what.. I was going to save my life if it killed me (lol ironic huh!) ... Determination is a hell of a thing when your faced with a death sentence, will power is a big part of it too... And though most peoples doctors won't look you in the face and tell you.. Hey fatty you are one twinkie away from a coronary ... I was lucky mine did...

I have always used "i never want.. Or I never am...." those are going to be another set of words I am not going to say anymore.. when it comes to my personal health and well being... Never say never.. because December 01, 2012 I thought I would never be this far.... goes to show you that your destiny is what you make of it... You can rise or you can fall, and its all on how you perceive life... It comes down to what are you willing to give up, to do to get what you really want... what you need!!!

I am blown away from where I am today..... and one of my favorite quotes ever...

“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland 


Well thats all for now, my pretty little losers.. love your 

favorite Villainess N~

Without you...

Sleep alludes me .... so often... Tiny glimpses into my memories are all that I am left with. At four in the morning and my brain is running on fumes... 

There are many different levels of pain, and you seemed to hit every single one of them when you left this world... My entire being shattered into a million pieces that day, and I am still glueing myself back together today...

I sit here and sometimes I can smell your cologne, I can almost see you sitting on the blue couch watching nascar.... I can hear you clear your throat with a cigarette burning in the ashtray... I remember so much and so little at the same time... I think of all the unspoken words, that will never be said.. I think of you every time i look in the mirror... I see your eyes staring back at me... I see you .. I see me.... 

You were my best friend, you taught me to work through the pain... God only knows how much pain you must have been in all those years. And how you still worked yourself to the bone, you always tried your hardest to help provide for your family.... I admire that even today, your strength lives on with me.. 

I wish I could have said more, understood what was happening.. I wish mom would have been honest with me the last time you were in the hospital.. If they would have told me you were running out of time, I would have told you the world... But instead I talk to you in my head, praying by some cosmic force you hear me... 

Lonnie came to join you so many years ago, I can picture you both fishing having the best time waiting for the rest of us to get there. 

You should have been here, so many mistakes could have been avoided with your wisdom to guide me.. People often ask if you could bring someone back from the dead who would it be.. and honestly I wouldn't bring you back. Because the pain and the suffering you endured every single day would just be to cruel. You are at peace and I am working on creating my own version of that.. 

I long for the day when I can speak your name without tears rolling down my face. I long for the day when your memories don't haunt me.... I long for the day when we can all be together as a family again.... Because you and Lonnie made the world a little dimmer when you were called back home.. Ill be here to carry on stories of how great my children's grandfather and uncle were..  I will be forever grateful that I had either of you for as long as I did. but that doesn't change the fact that you are beyond missed by everyone who knew you.. rest in peace daddy.... 

I love you.... xo from your favorite Villainess N.. <3

Fears and my preciousssssssss

Last night I was taking a walk... the sky was lite by the big moon hanging over head... the stars twinkled and danced as I pushed myself further and further.. 

The wind was blowing through my hair cooling the collected sweat from the gym, the pains from using the bike were slowly starting to dissipate as i pushed forward.. All I could think about was one more step, just one more step.. over and over in my head.. If I can just do one more step..... It began to hum in the back of my mind, just one more... 

I let go of my fear of the dark, the fear of being alone, the pain in my body.. and i listened to that hum buzzing in the back of my brain.. Just one more.. because one more lead to another.. and then another.. I felt so in tuned with my journey in that moment... 

I often forget my journey is only beginning that there is so much left to accomplish. So much more for me to learn and experience, I forget to just to stop thinking and listen to my body. Because when you push fear of the unknown out of your mind, you can go on to do great things.. Change happens one step outside your comfort zone, doing just the bike would have been enough for me to go home and slapped myself on the back.... But thats no longer good enough for me, I deserve better.. I want to feel better, look better, be better in all the areas of my life. 

And why can't i achieve that? What is stopping me from achieving my goals? Its not lack of motivation, its fear of the unknown.. Will i hurt myself? Will i fail? Will i have regain? all of these stupid fears keeping me from my full potential... Having will power isn't enough to succeed, you have to be brave. You have be willing to tell your past to fuck off... To tell all those fears and unknowns to take a long walk off a short pier.. Because you don't need them anymore.... 

I kind of view my 512 pound self like Gollum from LOTR, two pars of a whole.. My selfish, lazy, fearful, agoraphobic 512 Gollum part of me.. Screams stay at home, and treats cupcakes like the precious!.. nom nom nom cupcake fatty you know if you walk outside, something horrible is going to happen right...??!!!? And the 334 Smegal part of me, says eat clean and train dirty!!! Kick your own ass daily and look at the results baby!! 

Thats the person I want to be, and when stress or drama happens I revert back to Gollum and try and talk myself in to eating like trash and never leaving the house.. I refuse to allow my past to dictate my future anymore... I refuse to be terrified to make choices and decisions that will better my life.. 

I am just going to breathe.. just one more step.. 

“It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You         step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.” 

J.R.R. Tolkien 

Alright my pretty little losers thats all for today, your favorite Villainess N! <3 

The day after the storm....

A storm was brewing, clouds had been over my head for months. There was always rain, but some days it fucking poured. Its hard to weather the storms of life alone, I've always been able to take getting a little wet as long as I could see clear sky up ahead. But no... there was no clear sky, there was just more gloomy darkness. 

After a storm there is always a mess, the things that were broken this time can never be fixed. And somehow I am at ease with this, the storm swirled over my head, the waves were crashing hard against the shore, the lightening was so close.... and I survived.. 

The sun did come out, and this day is so much brighter... There is a huge weight off my shoulders, its like being able to take your first clear crisp breath after being submerged in water. 

I won't let anything stop me on my journey, I wanted to eat my entire kitchen last night. And i didn't I ate my portions, I wanted to binge on candy, cupcakes you name it.. (not that i had those things, but i wanted them so badly).. But I didn't I live really close to a cupcake shop, I could walk it easily but I don't... I never walk there because it is a weakness of mine. I make sure that anytime I leave the house on my own, that no matter how tempting it is never to cross the street. I don't need them, and just like those cupcakes that are bad for me... what happened yesterday I see the as the same thing, it was bad for me... 

It is going to be a beautiful day, I am having a amazing friend over and we are going to rock it likes its 1999.. Sometimes its better just to take out the garbage so the house doesn't stink anymore... I am going to embrace the real friends I have, and enjoy the love and support I have been getting since yesterday. 

Though this storm is certainly over forever, it taught me a very valuable lesson. Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel.  

Well thats all for today my pretty little losers <3 From your favorite Villainess N!

Loss....

Sometimes there are people that come into your life, that you believe are meant to be there forever. You get along so well at first, that you overlook certain things that are under the surface. You are blinded by the fact you don't want to open your eyes to see what the person is really like. 

I learned that today, sometimes when God shuts the door you need to leave it closed. There are reasons these people are put into your life, to teach you something, or to lead you to something. Meaning is that everything happens for a reason, and I cannot sit and blame myself for things going sour. Sometimes things are not meant to be forever, and I learned that today its alright to just let it go. 

I have a hard time opening up to people as it is, and these last few months I have allowed tons of new people into my life. I am not complaining, this is something I wanted to do but was unsure on how to go about it. I started a YouTube channel, opened up my Facebook, and started a blog. I am certainly thrilled at the support I am receiving, and I cannot even begin to express my gratitude. But that is not enough to keep me in an unhealthy relationship.... 

The reason for this blog is for me to get out my feelings, its for me to be able to sleep at night when things are bothering me. It would be easy for me to blast every dirty detail about this person all over the social media platforms. But that's not the type of person I have become, I won't stoop so low. I won't make a fool of myself in that manner, what I will do is write down how I feel and breathe just a little easier when it is published. 

Life is fickle this way..... but its very necessary for you to grow as a person. To become the better me, I had to be willing to let go. I had to be strong enough to say, no more, im done and walk away. The old nirvana was so starved for attention, so desperate for love that no matter how tainted and toxic the relationship was she would have stuck it out. Well i am not that person anymore, and I have more respect for myself. 

So loss is never easy, and it hurts me to my very bones. This has been eating me away inside, for months. Last night was the first time in months i was able to breathe, a long sigh of its over. I no longer have to walk on egg shells because, of someones fragile ego. I can just be me... 

Thats all for tonight my pretty little losers... love your favorite villainess N... 

Acceptance .........

Acceptance ... comes in many many forms. *sighs softly*... Sometimes its easier to accept other peoples faults that it is to deal and accept your own. I find that to ring true with myself lately, I would rather over look other peoples problems and faults, than to truly delve into my own short comings.

Coming to terms with the person you "used" to be, some people will tell you that they are the same as they were in high school. I would like to call bullshit, simply because we evolve and change throughout our entire lives. Its just simple every choice we make, ever mistake, every joyous occasion, every tragedy slightly shifts who we are. There of course are parts of who you used to be still embedded into the person you are today. 

Drastic changes only come when you have courage to take that leap. Where it can make or break you.. You will either stand up tall and embrace or you will fall on you face. The choice is yours, honestly no one can hold your hand. They can support you, and give you advice when needed. But the change has to be within, it has to be pulled from the very bowels of your being. You are ultimately are responsible for your destiny. That's what free will buys you, a chance to fuck up and fix it. 

This journey is incredible, its almost impossible to describe the metamorphosis that has begun. When you are faced with life or death it was "my" choosing, wither I was going to live or if i was going to allow myself to die. That was my choice last year, I could stay the way I was (which was by far easier), or I could drastically change everything about me and take the leap of faith to live.. I had to weigh the options, I had to decide what was more important.. Food or Life? Comfort or Life? 

Once you decide you have to stick with it, you have relish in the fact that you are stronger than your addiction. One year and three months ago, I couldn't go up a flight of steps without almost passing out. I couldn't stand for more than a few moments without my back and legs ready to give out. One year and three months ago I was dying, one foot in the casket. I often wondered who would find my body? Who was going to say my eulogy, and would be any good. What would they say about me? Other than I went before my time, and how sad it was that I ate myself to death... 

NOPE!! No ....... UHHHHHHHHHH yeah.. NO!! That is not my ending, I am re-writing this fucker.. and that's not how it goes. I won't have it, im far to interesting to end that way.... We all know that when its my time, a freak occurrence will happen and ill be in the news. Woman found dead in a bath-tub full of pepto bismal,  a rouge can of cream corn laid near by, also officials won't confirm but there may have been six wombats.. tonight at 11.... 

I want the change, I need it...... there is so much more I can do with whatever time I have left. I am working on accepting my loose skin, and how much more weight i have to go. I am working on being more accepting that things will come when they come, stop freaking that the scale doesn't give you the numbers you want. 

With much love today my pretty little losers... from you favorite Villainess N......... <3 

Abandonment...

This topic hits super hard and close to home... I have the worlds worst case of abandonment and daddy issues. Matter of fact when I I meet someone new, they can immediately see the extra baggage I carry. Matthew on the other hand, has had to deal with said extra baggage for years now.. 

When you are with someone who needs constant praise and approval its can become rather tiring, to say the least. I feel horrible for it sometimes, I can catch it before it comes out of my mouth. Maybe you don't understand what I mean, and how it could be tiring to someone who obviously doesn't share these issues. Well allow me to give you some examples.. 

Feeling that your not good enough, for a person friend, family, or lover. The feeling that they can and will find someone better than you. The itching feeling that if they are 10 minutes late and haven't called that surely they have found someone more interesting and just don't want to tell you. Its that nagging feeling in the back of your head, that constantly lets you know that no matter how good of a person you are one fuck up from being alone .. 

There are a lot of things I am working on, and this is just part of my getting to know who I am... That means I have to face my fears, no matter how silly or upsetting they may be. Its time to stop hiding behind walls and barriers. It is finally time to open the door wide and allow some fucking sunshine in this place!! I have spent so many years under my own personal tyranny, my own form of torture that I don't know anything else. I am unable to function in normal situations, which is something I desire to fix before we get pregnant and I pass along these neuroses to my children. 

Finding a mate when you are well.. for lack of better words "nuts" is hard enough. But to actually have a long lasting relationship with someone is almost unheard of when you have these issues. I just so happened to find someone with the patience of a saint. He accepts me with all my faults, and constantly reassures me he won't leave me ever. 

But there you go, thats the root of the problem he shouldn't have to constantly reassure me that he won't leave. I should be confident in my own skin, to know he won't find anyone better. That there is no one else that could snatch him away. But in my mind no matter how much weight i lose, no matter how good I am starting to feel. My mind is constantly under attack, you will have too much loose skin when this is over. He will hate it, and despise the money you will need to fix it.... What if you can't have kids after all, you know Nirvana that its something he wants more than anything, so he will just leave you for someone who can....

This is the stupid shit that flows through my mind almost daily, and I for one and simply tired of it. I am annoyed with my lack of love for myself, and respect. If you cannot respect the person you are, why the hell would anyone else respect you. Though he loves me, its not enough I have to learn to love myself. Today i started with telling myself that I have pretty eyes. I have my fathers eyes, and that made me smile. I will no longer allow myself to wallow in self pity and doubt. We have been together for six years, and this poor man has seen me at my absolute worst at 500+ pounds. Life is a million times better than it used to be, and its about time I come to realize it. 

Friends come and they go, family drift in and out of your life and that's got to be okay for me. I cannot run from family and potential friends because I'm scared to commit, because I am scared to being hurt. Life is going to be different and I can make meaningful relationships that will last if I will let them.. 

Thats all for today my pretty little losers... From your favorite Villainess N!! <3 

Forgiveness....

Do we really realize what forgiveness is...? Like when you honestly sit down and think about forgiving someone else, what does it mean to you personally?

I thought long and hard about this (yes yes.. thats what she said! LOL), no but I have thought a lot about this subject the last few days. I am trying to make an effort to let go, as the song from frozen says. Let it go... let it go... can't hold me back anymore. Now that I have given everyone an earwig for today back to my point... 

How can you forgive and forget? Are people made to forgive those who have wronged them? Are we able to see past the pain and suffering and become the bigger person in the situation. Humans are odd creatures, no one is exactly alike.. therefore no one has a damn clue what is going to piss off another person. So we all follow simple guidelines in order to "try" and get along. 

Most of us want the comfort of friends and family, there are some people out there that prefer to be alone. But.. I will use the word "but" here, (because I have played both sides of this field) the people who typically want to be alone normally are running from something, or suffering from some sort of social or behavioral disorder.

Most of us choose not to be alone, not to be lonely. Being that I spent almost half my life running from social contact of any kind, I can tell you that I was fucking miserable either way. I was miserable around people, and without them. It was all ME, which is very hard to realize when you are in the middle of a nervous breakdown... 

Forgiveness is hard, and actually meaning it..... is even harder. You can tell your husband you forgive him for losing your favorite pair of earrings... Yet the moment he loses something else you love, you will instantly toss it in his face.. "OH yeah just like that time you lost my favorite pair of earrings!!!". So you didn't actually forgive him, you saved the situation as fodder for the next time he fucks up. 

I am working very hard on forgiving, I seem to have so much in my past that still bugs me today. So many people I felt wronged me, but to be honest and to really really be honest with myself. Those people don't give a rats ass or may not even know they hurt me. They are moving on with their lives and here I sit still brewing over something that happened 20 some odd years ago. Really!!??? 

Does that make any sense, I cannot go back, and obviously if they haven't contacted me in 20 some odd years to say they are sorry. I seriously doubt they remember or simply care. So why should I waste my time? Why should I carry this burden? This hate, shame, anguish? Over something that can never be taken back? 

Let it the hell go... You cannot change it... you cannot go back to yesterday Nirvana. I cannot spend anymore time on "what if's",  or on the "maybe if I would have's". or on the" it could have been's"..... Because they didn't happen that way, they won't happen that way, and whatever the situation was it happened the way it did for a reason. You never understand simple choices, and how they shape your future. 

I am working hard to forgive myself most of all... You must be able to forgive to move on, there is no moving on until you can honestly remember the situation without being mad or hurt by it. Realize it has happened for a reason... the purpose is not for you to see or even understand it just... sometimes is! 


Alright my pretty little losers, work on forgiving it will make you a much happier person I assure you.... From your favorite Villainess N... <3 

Changing your mind set...

Today I was shown an amazing amount of kindness, the start of the day wasn't that great to be honest. The start of today had my anxiety up, and the hair on the back of my neck tingling. So until about three in the afternoon my day was kinda ass. 

I decided to get my big girl panties on so to speak, and be a damned grown up and buck up. I could have allowed my stupid backwards thinking to ruin what was a beautiful and fun filled evening with my hubby. Which mind you  he actually twitched one of his days off for today just so we could spend our anniversary together. That is not easy to do when you are in the military, therefore he went the extra effort to do something sweet for me. 

So I went out into the living room while he was napping, and decided to put on makeup. Slowly but surely the more makeup I put on the better I started to feel, then picking out the clothes i was going to wear. Started getting excited at the prospect of a fun time, doing whatever... I woke him slowly standing on the bed, with a bright smile and a giggle. His face lite up instantly and he held out is arms asking me to come for a cuddle, his breathless words of your so beautiful melted my heart. He is my other half, he is the light in the darkness, the voice of reason. He is everything I prayed for and more. 

So once I started taking pictures of the outfit I put on, I slowly started feeling sexy.. pretty.... confident. Going out with him we went to Lowes thinking of the things we needed to purchase when we moved to his mothers house the end of next month. A small fridge, some *better* locks for the doors, a rug ect. Just little things that will make our new home fun for us. I enjoyed him just talking to me, btw wtf is it with Lowes and being shocked. I swear to God we must have shocked each other over 50 times. No matter what we touched zap... zap.. zap zap.. it was insane. But it was fun for like the 40 ish minutes we were there just mulling about. 

We decided to head to chevys I loooooooove tex mex, and Mexican food in general. So we decided to share a plate, we can do that now that I don't eat much due to RNY. So he always says I am a cheap date, we got the mixed fahetas, shrimp, steak, and carnitas. It was good I didn't eat much due to the fact I stuffed my gullet with alcohol and got hammered lol. Matthew seems to enjoy me getting rather wasted fast, as I become sweet and cuddly. Also apparently I like to try and remove my clothes for "business time" while still in public. ..... uh yeah so he decided to take me home. 

I looked on facebook after posting my pictures, and the overwhelming amount of kindness was crazy. To see so many postitive and wonderful comments on my pictures. Made me feel amazing, I have never once in my life felt pretty, or sexy until the last two months of my life. I never used to want pictures of me taken, or to wear clothes that were tight enough to see my figure. I wouldn't dare be in the spot light, or try to shine. 

Those dark days are over.. Moral of this blog is to explain to you, that you choose to have to a bad day. Having bad moments of course are going to happen, but you cannot let those negative feelings rule and ruin the rest of your day. Fuming and being depressed over something all day will never fix anything, it will never make the problems go away. It will only exacerbate them, and bring down anyone else who you come in contact with. Had I not changed my mindset, we would have never went out. We would have fought all day, and missed my chance on the enchanted evening I did get to have. I am so thankful sometimes for the patience this poor man has for me. Because anyone else would have ran screaming a long long time ago. 

Thats all for tonight my pretty little losers... from your favorite Villainess N. 

Anniversary

My husband.. 

The stone on which I stand.... My entire life I felt completely lost, I had no idea it was because my soul mate would be born 13 years after me, and across the country. I was 30 when we met, I had given up on so much. My life was turmoil, the relationship I had just been in was so toxic I had sworn off loving anyone ever again. 

But you crept in like a thief in the night, you slipped right though all my walls and borders. You stole what I thought was guarded under lock and key... The first time I realized I had feelings, the butterflies danced in my stomach all night long. I felt as if at any moment I would surely take flight. It was insane, but how could I tell you. I decided I wouldn't be the first, I couldn't put heart out there to be rejected. We were friends, fun happy, interesting friends. 

Besides how could anyone love me.... I was vile, broken, discarded and worthless..... The night you told me you cared for me, I cried for hours after you went to bed. I was so terrified to show you who I was behind the screen. The woman behind the avatar, the real person who could potentially be devastated if you were to reject her for being fat. I tried many nights to push you away, telling you all sorts of darken secrets and past events, testing the waters. You were so young, inexperienced, I was so terrified you didn't know what love was. 

How could anyone be more wrong, you came in like a tornado of love and acceptance from the moment you stepped off the plane. You've turned my world of ash into something bright and beautiful. My life has been amazing, these past six long years. Not perfect, not easy, not blissfully happy. But amazing, getting to know you and seeing you flourish right before my eyes. You gave me courage to change, you helped me find my own strength. Through your eyes I have found the person I buried under 500 pounds. Through your beautiful blue eyes, I can see so many things in my future. 

I love you, cherish you, need you, and adore every part of who you are and who you are becoming. I want to thank you for always believing in me, for always holding my hand, for taking care of me at my worst. I cannot wait to give you my best, I am working so hard on becoming the best Me i possibly can. To give you gorgeous children, to give you long endless years of passion and fun. 

You helped me become a woman........ 4 years of marriage today. I love you....... forever and a day...

Pain...

Yesterday .... was hard, wait that is an understatement it wasn't just hard it was down right painful. Yesterday I spent a good portion of time talking to my mother, we laughed and cried and reminisced about days when my father and brother were with us... When we were a completed family. Thinking about the used to be's is always hard, but to see the pain etched on her face everytime a flitter of a memory flows through her mind.. is painful. Never ending pain that will NEVER get better, it will never stop hurting it will never feel okay.... 

I remember as if it was yesterday I talked to you on the phone, asking how you were feeling. You told me you had come down with a cold.. How could I have known? How could anyone have understood that in a few short precious days you would stop breathing forever. That you would pass in your sleep, that at 38 years old I would need to worry about you not some how being there? 

I remember as if it was yesterday you hugging me goodbye when you dropped me off in Kingsport Tn, to make my new life. I remember having to use a walkie talkie on the ride up the mountains as I followed behind, your sleep apnea so bad you would constantly fall asleep at the wheel. And how i was terrified about you having to make the trek back to NC by yourself. You had a daughter and a wife waiting for you at home.. I remember as if it was yesterday your voice in my ear, telling me you loved me punkie and that we would see each other soon... 

I never got that chance, life turned its course and your gone. A small glimmer a blink of an eye, and your missing from existence. I know your watching, everyone says that... everyone wants to feel better at the thought their loved ones are "watching" us.. Yet I don't feel that way, heaven or whatever form of it is... is where you are no longer bothered with the physical realm, its so perfect and beautiful you are at rest. I just know your waiting on the other side, with daddy, nana, poppy until we can all be back together one day. 

But today I feel myself ache for you, I woke up thinking of your laugh in my dreams. I woke up wanting to call you so badly I searched for your number on my phone, and realized..... its been many years since YOUR number was on my phone... I felt today that hollow emptiness that haunts me. That deep throb where my brother used to be.... you were my protector and my confidant. You were the one person I could run to with anything and never worried about a glimmer of judgement. You were imperfect too..... God I miss you, I miss you...... I miss you.... 

I wish I knew then all the things I know now, I wish i could have gotten you gastric bypass. I wish I could have helped motivate you to change. To take better care of yourself, to learn when to stop. Learn when to rest when you needed it.... and learn when to put the fork down. I wish to God I could have saved you, kept you here with us. So that I wouldn't have to see the pain on my mothers face, when she remembers somberly that she buried her first born. That I wouldn't have to tell everyone that I only have ONE brother not two... You were supposed to threaten Matthew for me, tell him if he ever hurt me what you would do... You were supposed to walk me down the isle because daddy left us too... You were supposed to do so many great and wonderful things with your life. But food, drugs and simple neglect took you from us all ........ 

I love you......... forever and I will see you again... i will see you again.. I will..  

Nirvana... xo

Can't....

Last night... I lost something that I have been carrying around since I was in high school. Since I was a wee spring of a girl hiding in the bathroom stall to change clothes during gym... The scared depressed little part of me that has been always every present in the back of my mind... CAN'T. The word can't lost its meaning to me last night... I have been so reluctant to walk, to move, to try something new... I mean the bike is good enough of a work out right? 

My feet hurt, I have ingrown toe nails, my hip burns.... and the list of whys and shouldn't goes on and on.. just little weeds of self doubt planted firmly in my brain since I was little. Its annoying to be your own worst fr-enemy.... The person who should lift you up, the one person you should be able to count on is yourself... What happens when that person lets you down in the worst of ways? Well I can tell you from personal experience, you end up 500+ pounds. 

The number one excuse for years of my life, was its going to hurt me. Did no one understand that I just couldn't, it wasn't possible... that everyone's expectations of me were far too high!!! I simply couldn't and shouldn't and ultimately I didn't.... 

Its amazing how someone changes throughout life, thinking that you are the same person with the same beliefs and the same ideals as when you were younger is ridiculous.... I have changed so much from the time I was in high-school, until today. I do believe that you have to hit rock bottom to understand life sometimes. I think that once you scrap the bottom of the barrel of life, you appreciate things a hell of a lot more. 

Being fat did many things for me, it wasn't just a hindrance. Most people will say that being fat was the worst thing ever.... I believe that being fat was unhealthy, and miserable, and it sucked ass many many times. There is a but coming... wait for it.... wait for it....!!!

But my personality is built on many things, we are a product of our environment! I have always believed that... without a doubt that the person I am today is greatly due to the things I went through growing up. And when I say growing up I mean well until I hit 35 years of age. Hell i would even be so basin to say that perhaps we never finish growing up.... 

This will be a bit of a long blog today, I have a lot of on my mind. Back to what I was saying, I am a product of my experiences. I firmly believe that had I not went to job corps in my early adulthood, I would not be where I am sitting today. I have gone through hell and back, the brink of death staring me in the mirror and back. I tell you the other-side doesn't look that appealing when your not suicidal... Learning to deal with ones own demons can be hard, what makes this every so much harder is facing the fact that this was all my own damn fault......... 

As I would LOVE to blame every pound, every ounce, every fold on the people and things that have hurt me. Alas I cannot for I am the one who put every spoonful into my mouth. No one forced me to eat like crap and not exercise. No one person held a gun to my head and said EAT THIS ENTIRE KEY LIME PIE within 24 hours or ill end you right here!.... No... no.. no... that was all me... my way of justifying the chaos in my own mind. The turmoil of losing ones father, and brother... grandparents and friends... 

Its all about perspective... can you stand back and take a good deep look at yourself and say ....... I love you.... just the way you are..... a beautiful catastrophe .. you were never made to be perfect ... you are not chiseled out of marble .... you are your own masterpiece an ever changing work of art!? 

I digress the moral of this blog today, is that I have given up the word CAN'T! this word is no longer allowed when it comes to my health and well-being. The word can't will be replaced with I'll do my best, I am going to try, and lets just see how far I can go... Today is a new dawn, a new day... and new life.. Let your can'ts, maybes, not sures, and your won'ts behind and embrace your own strength... I believe in you... 

That's all for now my pretty little losers, from your favorite Villainess N.... <3 

A letter to myself...

I often times find myself talking to past/future me, does that make sense? The person I used to be, and the person I am slowly and steadily becoming.... Its an odd feeling today I felt as if I needed to write a letter as if the person I am becoming is a long lost friend that though time we drifted apart. A happier/healthier me that I once knew, suddenly is popping back up to say hello with an apology. So this blog may seem odd, but I feel it will help me in a strange way when I read back over it thought-out my journey.. 

I am sorry, for life simply put just life. We drifted apart, you went a different road than was planned and we somehow we got separated. I felt for a long time I should contact you, let you know that I was somehow still there, even in the darkest of times. But sadly again LIFE intervened. 

I was unable to get to you when you needed me the most. I am sorry you felt that I didn't care, that you weren't wanted, that you weren't good enough.. I am sorry for everything... I want you to know I am here now, and things are going to change. And I will be that backbone and willpower, that friend you so desperately needed so many times as you cried over every single bag of chips, every single box of cookies, every slice of cake you ate to FEEL just a little bit better about your situation no matter how fleeting that FALSE happiness may have been. 

I love you, just the way you are.. you are a work in progress. A beautiful catastrophe, a whirl wind of sarcasm and wit.. A gentle soul, that would give anything for the ones she loves. You found your other half, it was the first step of many. This journey you have embarked on its a hard and treacherous road full of ups and downs around every corner. It won't be easy, its going to be hell before its all over. And I need you to know I am here when you need me. Understand that you will fail, the best part of understanding failure is that you know what NOT to do the next time. You understand that its just life and you can learn from every mistake you make. 

Becoming the better you is never easy, you have so little time on earth. So many lives you have and will come n contact with, and it seems that the people who use their time here to help others are the ones who seem the happiest. 

I love you... I've always loved you... 

(This blog is just my way of apologizing for every year I felt helpless, miserable, hopeless, depressed and suicidal... I cannot go back to yesterday, I am no longer that person... ) 

Late night ramble ... ramble ... ramble...

I should be making a video but I just haven't gotten the gumption today. Been wondering a lot about my eating habits, and the fact it feel like I can eat a lot more than I should. This bothers me for many reasons, the first reason is because I feel that I should still be on half cup portions. I know I know I am nine months out and this is the time where I should be transitioning into a cup of food. But it feels wrong, I enjoyed feeling rather full on my tiny amounts. But as I become more active I do wonder if I am eating enough... 

These are all problems someone with weightloss surgery deals with, well scratch that.. This is something anyone who has extra weight should be dealing with. Portion size and control... its the hardest damn thing in the world. Why can't I eat an entire CAKE?! why shouldn't I have 3 cupcakes today? If i hurry up and eat this entire bag of chips today then I can start back on my diet tomorrow.. THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS! and yes i am yelling... not at you but when I read this 50 times like I know I will do. I can only hope that it will sink in .... say it with me.... eating a whole bunch of shit in one day doesn't make up for you eating better tomorrow. 

Thats horse shit, you shouldn't have to start over again tomorrow. There is no starting over...... NO DO OVER BUTTON! You don't get a mulligan ma'am .. its now or never. I get so frustrated with myself when I feel that eating like shit today, its perfectly fine because tomorrow is another day. You aren't promised tomorrow asshole.. so you sound stupid saying that. Tough love, its whats for dinner... its the other other other other white meat... lol

I become angry when I see so many posts of this is what regain looks like, to me those posts are pretty much saying HEY this is what failure looks like, the waters fine come on in.... cos you know.. tomorrow is another day!!??!!! Do.. not.... want....!! You don't post this is what regain looks like, you take that picture and put it on your fridge and every time you go to open it you see what your eating is doing to you. You take that picture and do you something about it.. its not a joke its not funny. 

I am annoyed because regain is scary for me, it was easy as hell to get this weight on., And it has proven to be hard as hell to get it off. So regaining any of this back makes me nervous. Not that I realize to some degree it shall eventually happen. I am not stupid I do know I will never be perfect and I will always have to work hard to keep as much of it off as i can. Its called will power, and having a back bone and those things were hiding under an extra 170 pounds.. Who knows what else I may find when I shed the other 150 left to go... 

There is a small person in here somewhere, I can feel her when I lay on my side and feel my ribs poking out. Or when I lay down flat and see whats left of my boobs over top of my stomach instead of the other way around. I can see her when I turn my neck a certain way and see a jaw line and collar bones just underneath the surface. But its going to take time, I still have a ton of weight to remove and lets not even talk about loose skin. I am no longer the scared shell of a human I was at 512+ pounds, the invalid lump that never wanted to leave her house... She is dead... I officially pronounced her dead when I woke up from surgery... I buried that bitch in the coffin that once had my name on it... I am now 340 pound woman who is learning to love herself, trying to figure out what the next step is. A whole realm of possibilities has opened up, and they are ripe for the picking. I just have to reach out and dare to take them.. 

I will be someone else by the time this is all over, when I am sitting at whatever weight I feel comfortable at... The trick will be loving this journey instead of being afraid of it... Loving all the NSV's no matter how small they may be, they are huge compared to how I was living. If i can call that living at all.. 

Well its almost time for me to close my eyes, good night my pretty little losers... From your favorite Villainess N... <3