Driving Miss cray cray!

Oh boy!! one of my largest fears in life is driving.. I hate driving with a passion its never a "fun" activity for me. Its something i loath, but having said that it is necessary if I want to get my life back on track. 

Back on track means so many different things lately, I honestly just want to feel like I can overcome the fears that held me captive for 22 years. I want to feel the freedom to do whatever the hell i want when I want too, and spit in fears face with a hearty laugh *you have no power here*!!!!.. 

I have spent my entire life being afraid of what people would think, how I would feel if.... this or that would happen. That I wasn't living, I was barely existing to say the least. I watched one of my oldest videos from 2012 on YouTube ill leave a link. I saw someone who wanted help so badly, every word laced with fear and doubt. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVwBkHZTtTY

I have come to awfully far, in one year seven months since that video I have turned my life completely upside down.. I have shaken all the cobwebs off and decided that the life I want isn't something to be fearful of....its something to reach for, to obtain it no matter what the cost! I decided the only person whose approval i needed was my own.. 

I drove on the interstate 77 miles yesterday, and no doubt ill be doing it again tonight. I fought through traffic, a hubcap fasco, and telling my comfort zone to suck it... The more fears I push through the less of a comfort zone I leave to run back too.... Change really does start with that one step outside of where you feel comfortable.... 

I am looking for jobs in my new area, not just so we have more money to live off of. But because dealing with large numbers of people scare the living hell out of me, I hate it with a passion. I am sweating now just thinking about it, but then again I have never been one for large groups of people. That is no excuse!!! I won't let fear capture me like that, I am not going to allow myself to fall back into my old life. 

Make the change and stick with it no matter what... Learn your limits and always remember to take it slow. You will be proud of what you can achieve if you will just try! It can never hurt to try, and even if you don't make it the first time, thats okay there is always the next time.... goals don't have an expiration date!!!! <3 


Thats all for now my pretty little losers, from your favorite Villainess N <3 

Getting surgery is just part of the process.. to succeed you need so much more..

If i have learned anything about losing weight, it is that its 30% physical and 70% mental.. Motivation to succeed is EVERYTHING, you won't lose a damn pound (and keep it off)... unless you have the motivation and will to do so... 

Don't get me wrong I realize you can lose weight by getting surgery, but unless you get off your butt and work for it. How long do you foresee those pounds saying off? Getting surgery doesn't fix everything, I am a firm believer that people who turn to weight loss surgery should have mandatory counseling before and after. That their insurance companies shouldn't sign off unless the contract mandates there is counseling at least twice a month.

Most people I have talked too, haven't even made the stride after surgery to continue with group therapy. I cannot understand this, as having others to talk to about what you are going through can only help. There are so many of us that scream we don't know whats going on, and worry about the complications. Which is why we turn to online for help, but there is something to be said about having people in person to help you when things get tough. Having that life line where you can have someone come over at 3 in the morning when you are staring down that last cupcake your family brought over, and your evening what complete shit.. 

Therapy doesn't mean you are crazy, it honestly means that you are willing to agree you cannot do this all by yourself. And having someone else in a group setting to bounce your problems off of is never a bad idea. I know for myself I have tons of people online i can talk too, and vent.. I have family here if i honestly needed them they could help. My own mother has had gastric bypass and I turn to her often to share our new food finds, or just in general talk about how things are going. There is always someone to talk to if you honestly need it, don't ever feel as if you are alone. If you feel that way its by your own choice, there are groups and people out there but you have to make the first step if you want to get better. 

I feel as I travel down this path, going deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole that I need the support of people who have been through this more and more each day. My husband is fantastic, but he is a string bean lol, he has the exact opposite problem he cannot gain weight (muscle). So though he has no idea how hard it is to lose weight he tries his best to accommodate my diet and work with me and my food temper tantrums daily lol. 

I realize half of my problem, when it comes to food... It tastes good LOL. If they could just stop making tasty food id be fine!! But alas food is only going to get more tasty and its going to be my job to continue eating clean, and training hard each and every day. I will mess up, and I am okay with that because it makes me human. And at the end of the day I am proud of my accomplishments and im truly figuring out what being happy feels like for the first time in my life.. 

Well thats all for now my pretty little losers.... From your favorite Villainess N~ <3

The grass is greener....

I think its far to often, we all look to the other side of the road and see how beautiful the grass is over there. Its so much greener, therefore it has to be better..

Honestly I rarely think about how some people have it worse off than me, I mean I can be pretty damn selfish when it comes down to it. There are so many times that i get wrapped up in my journey that I forget about others that may be suffering. 

The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the road, and for that matter there are people out there that would LOVE to have my life right now... Fuck i feel like a turd just thinking about it, I have been seriously blessed this last year and a half.. My life is a million times better than it was two xmas's ago. 

But I think of how often people complain about their situation, how much they HAVEN'T lost, or there is plateau, or its not fast enough... And forget that there are people out there at 400, 500, 600+ pounds that would kill for gastric bypass, that would do anything if they could lose 40, 50, 60 pounds. I would know last year I was one of those people. But its important to realize where you come from, and be humbled by your success. Realize that though your journey is awesome for you, that there are so many people who have it so much worse than you do. 

Don't get me wrong, I know I have every reason to boast about my journey and how far I have come. As long as I remember that there are people who have no hope, that need help, and that it isn't a race to see who finishes first. If you get one pound off thats one more than the person bed bound by their weight. If you are able to walk one mile, thats one mile more than the person in a wheel chair unable to be free. 

Its important to realize this journey isn't just yours alone, there are so many people who look at some of us who are making it. Who need to see what it can be like with help and guidance. Who are looking for that one person to show them the way.... And if you are constantly complaining about how little you've lost, or that your struggling with your food addictions, or that you are tired of none of your clothing fitting you because your so small.. Maybe you need to sit back and think about all those people who might be reading your wall, your blog, or watching your vlog and wishing they had your problems... 

I hope to change for the better, and I am doing my best to be less of a douche waffle in the process ... <3 

Thats all tonight my pretty little losers, love your favorite Villainess N~

Never say never..

If you would have asked me December 01, 2012 if I would be 181 pounds lighter, driving a car, walking two miles and able to bike 6.... I would have laughed in your face. I would have told you that you lost your damn mind... I would have shook my head and said sureeeee!!!

That day was when I moved to Woodbridge VA, to live with Janet, and started my new life.. I was so large that getting up the steps to her apartment hurt, there were only three.. That i needed help getting off her couch (like actually having someone pull me up), that I had to have someone help me down the steps into her basement, and it would take me forever to go back up them.. 13 steps were the bane of my existence. There were times those steps were the fucking devil, and I loathed them so much I would stay in the basement in my room for days.. Have my food brought to me, because going up them hurt so badly...

I couldn't even walk to the end of her street without help, standing for more than a few moments at a time was unbearable.. I was always on the look out for the next place to sit, my crutch.... Terrified to go out of the house without my wheel chair, and being dropped off in front of everything so i wouldn't have to walk more than a few steps at a time.. THIS WAS NOT LIVING!! 

I was miserable, simply miserable and I fought change the entire way... because fear of the unknown is my enemy.... fear of changing things up ... of just TRYING! I was so set in my ways, I couldn't be talked into trying anything on my own, I was so used to being catered too, being completely dependent on others to understand the strain it was putting on those around me. I can never get back the time I spent at Janets, and our friendship took a powerful hit those 10 months I was there... When you are unable to take care of yourself and rely on someone as much as I had too, things never really go back to the way they were afterwards.. I have come to terms with this.. and both of us right now have our own lives to focus on. I am okay with this, time will heal all things.. <3


So many people have asked me how did you lose the weight before surgery... I can only really tell you that I whined, cried, prayed, binged, and killed myself at the gym for hours and hours of time almost everyday I could get there..... I would work myself ragged, I was getting this surgery no matter what.. I was going to save my life if it killed me (lol ironic huh!) ... Determination is a hell of a thing when your faced with a death sentence, will power is a big part of it too... And though most peoples doctors won't look you in the face and tell you.. Hey fatty you are one twinkie away from a coronary ... I was lucky mine did...

I have always used "i never want.. Or I never am...." those are going to be another set of words I am not going to say anymore.. when it comes to my personal health and well being... Never say never.. because December 01, 2012 I thought I would never be this far.... goes to show you that your destiny is what you make of it... You can rise or you can fall, and its all on how you perceive life... It comes down to what are you willing to give up, to do to get what you really want... what you need!!!

I am blown away from where I am today..... and one of my favorite quotes ever...

“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland 


Well thats all for now, my pretty little losers.. love your 

favorite Villainess N~

Without you...

Sleep alludes me .... so often... Tiny glimpses into my memories are all that I am left with. At four in the morning and my brain is running on fumes... 

There are many different levels of pain, and you seemed to hit every single one of them when you left this world... My entire being shattered into a million pieces that day, and I am still glueing myself back together today...

I sit here and sometimes I can smell your cologne, I can almost see you sitting on the blue couch watching nascar.... I can hear you clear your throat with a cigarette burning in the ashtray... I remember so much and so little at the same time... I think of all the unspoken words, that will never be said.. I think of you every time i look in the mirror... I see your eyes staring back at me... I see you .. I see me.... 

You were my best friend, you taught me to work through the pain... God only knows how much pain you must have been in all those years. And how you still worked yourself to the bone, you always tried your hardest to help provide for your family.... I admire that even today, your strength lives on with me.. 

I wish I could have said more, understood what was happening.. I wish mom would have been honest with me the last time you were in the hospital.. If they would have told me you were running out of time, I would have told you the world... But instead I talk to you in my head, praying by some cosmic force you hear me... 

Lonnie came to join you so many years ago, I can picture you both fishing having the best time waiting for the rest of us to get there. 

You should have been here, so many mistakes could have been avoided with your wisdom to guide me.. People often ask if you could bring someone back from the dead who would it be.. and honestly I wouldn't bring you back. Because the pain and the suffering you endured every single day would just be to cruel. You are at peace and I am working on creating my own version of that.. 

I long for the day when I can speak your name without tears rolling down my face. I long for the day when your memories don't haunt me.... I long for the day when we can all be together as a family again.... Because you and Lonnie made the world a little dimmer when you were called back home.. Ill be here to carry on stories of how great my children's grandfather and uncle were..  I will be forever grateful that I had either of you for as long as I did. but that doesn't change the fact that you are beyond missed by everyone who knew you.. rest in peace daddy.... 

I love you.... xo from your favorite Villainess N.. <3

Fears and my preciousssssssss

Last night I was taking a walk... the sky was lite by the big moon hanging over head... the stars twinkled and danced as I pushed myself further and further.. 

The wind was blowing through my hair cooling the collected sweat from the gym, the pains from using the bike were slowly starting to dissipate as i pushed forward.. All I could think about was one more step, just one more step.. over and over in my head.. If I can just do one more step..... It began to hum in the back of my mind, just one more... 

I let go of my fear of the dark, the fear of being alone, the pain in my body.. and i listened to that hum buzzing in the back of my brain.. Just one more.. because one more lead to another.. and then another.. I felt so in tuned with my journey in that moment... 

I often forget my journey is only beginning that there is so much left to accomplish. So much more for me to learn and experience, I forget to just to stop thinking and listen to my body. Because when you push fear of the unknown out of your mind, you can go on to do great things.. Change happens one step outside your comfort zone, doing just the bike would have been enough for me to go home and slapped myself on the back.... But thats no longer good enough for me, I deserve better.. I want to feel better, look better, be better in all the areas of my life. 

And why can't i achieve that? What is stopping me from achieving my goals? Its not lack of motivation, its fear of the unknown.. Will i hurt myself? Will i fail? Will i have regain? all of these stupid fears keeping me from my full potential... Having will power isn't enough to succeed, you have to be brave. You have be willing to tell your past to fuck off... To tell all those fears and unknowns to take a long walk off a short pier.. Because you don't need them anymore.... 

I kind of view my 512 pound self like Gollum from LOTR, two pars of a whole.. My selfish, lazy, fearful, agoraphobic 512 Gollum part of me.. Screams stay at home, and treats cupcakes like the precious!.. nom nom nom cupcake fatty you know if you walk outside, something horrible is going to happen right...??!!!? And the 334 Smegal part of me, says eat clean and train dirty!!! Kick your own ass daily and look at the results baby!! 

Thats the person I want to be, and when stress or drama happens I revert back to Gollum and try and talk myself in to eating like trash and never leaving the house.. I refuse to allow my past to dictate my future anymore... I refuse to be terrified to make choices and decisions that will better my life.. 

I am just going to breathe.. just one more step.. 

“It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You         step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.” 

J.R.R. Tolkien 

Alright my pretty little losers thats all for today, your favorite Villainess N! <3 

The day after the storm....

A storm was brewing, clouds had been over my head for months. There was always rain, but some days it fucking poured. Its hard to weather the storms of life alone, I've always been able to take getting a little wet as long as I could see clear sky up ahead. But no... there was no clear sky, there was just more gloomy darkness. 

After a storm there is always a mess, the things that were broken this time can never be fixed. And somehow I am at ease with this, the storm swirled over my head, the waves were crashing hard against the shore, the lightening was so close.... and I survived.. 

The sun did come out, and this day is so much brighter... There is a huge weight off my shoulders, its like being able to take your first clear crisp breath after being submerged in water. 

I won't let anything stop me on my journey, I wanted to eat my entire kitchen last night. And i didn't I ate my portions, I wanted to binge on candy, cupcakes you name it.. (not that i had those things, but i wanted them so badly).. But I didn't I live really close to a cupcake shop, I could walk it easily but I don't... I never walk there because it is a weakness of mine. I make sure that anytime I leave the house on my own, that no matter how tempting it is never to cross the street. I don't need them, and just like those cupcakes that are bad for me... what happened yesterday I see the as the same thing, it was bad for me... 

It is going to be a beautiful day, I am having a amazing friend over and we are going to rock it likes its 1999.. Sometimes its better just to take out the garbage so the house doesn't stink anymore... I am going to embrace the real friends I have, and enjoy the love and support I have been getting since yesterday. 

Though this storm is certainly over forever, it taught me a very valuable lesson. Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel.  

Well thats all for today my pretty little losers <3 From your favorite Villainess N!

Loss....

Sometimes there are people that come into your life, that you believe are meant to be there forever. You get along so well at first, that you overlook certain things that are under the surface. You are blinded by the fact you don't want to open your eyes to see what the person is really like. 

I learned that today, sometimes when God shuts the door you need to leave it closed. There are reasons these people are put into your life, to teach you something, or to lead you to something. Meaning is that everything happens for a reason, and I cannot sit and blame myself for things going sour. Sometimes things are not meant to be forever, and I learned that today its alright to just let it go. 

I have a hard time opening up to people as it is, and these last few months I have allowed tons of new people into my life. I am not complaining, this is something I wanted to do but was unsure on how to go about it. I started a YouTube channel, opened up my Facebook, and started a blog. I am certainly thrilled at the support I am receiving, and I cannot even begin to express my gratitude. But that is not enough to keep me in an unhealthy relationship.... 

The reason for this blog is for me to get out my feelings, its for me to be able to sleep at night when things are bothering me. It would be easy for me to blast every dirty detail about this person all over the social media platforms. But that's not the type of person I have become, I won't stoop so low. I won't make a fool of myself in that manner, what I will do is write down how I feel and breathe just a little easier when it is published. 

Life is fickle this way..... but its very necessary for you to grow as a person. To become the better me, I had to be willing to let go. I had to be strong enough to say, no more, im done and walk away. The old nirvana was so starved for attention, so desperate for love that no matter how tainted and toxic the relationship was she would have stuck it out. Well i am not that person anymore, and I have more respect for myself. 

So loss is never easy, and it hurts me to my very bones. This has been eating me away inside, for months. Last night was the first time in months i was able to breathe, a long sigh of its over. I no longer have to walk on egg shells because, of someones fragile ego. I can just be me... 

Thats all for tonight my pretty little losers... love your favorite villainess N... 

Acceptance .........

Acceptance ... comes in many many forms. *sighs softly*... Sometimes its easier to accept other peoples faults that it is to deal and accept your own. I find that to ring true with myself lately, I would rather over look other peoples problems and faults, than to truly delve into my own short comings.

Coming to terms with the person you "used" to be, some people will tell you that they are the same as they were in high school. I would like to call bullshit, simply because we evolve and change throughout our entire lives. Its just simple every choice we make, ever mistake, every joyous occasion, every tragedy slightly shifts who we are. There of course are parts of who you used to be still embedded into the person you are today. 

Drastic changes only come when you have courage to take that leap. Where it can make or break you.. You will either stand up tall and embrace or you will fall on you face. The choice is yours, honestly no one can hold your hand. They can support you, and give you advice when needed. But the change has to be within, it has to be pulled from the very bowels of your being. You are ultimately are responsible for your destiny. That's what free will buys you, a chance to fuck up and fix it. 

This journey is incredible, its almost impossible to describe the metamorphosis that has begun. When you are faced with life or death it was "my" choosing, wither I was going to live or if i was going to allow myself to die. That was my choice last year, I could stay the way I was (which was by far easier), or I could drastically change everything about me and take the leap of faith to live.. I had to weigh the options, I had to decide what was more important.. Food or Life? Comfort or Life? 

Once you decide you have to stick with it, you have relish in the fact that you are stronger than your addiction. One year and three months ago, I couldn't go up a flight of steps without almost passing out. I couldn't stand for more than a few moments without my back and legs ready to give out. One year and three months ago I was dying, one foot in the casket. I often wondered who would find my body? Who was going to say my eulogy, and would be any good. What would they say about me? Other than I went before my time, and how sad it was that I ate myself to death... 

NOPE!! No ....... UHHHHHHHHHH yeah.. NO!! That is not my ending, I am re-writing this fucker.. and that's not how it goes. I won't have it, im far to interesting to end that way.... We all know that when its my time, a freak occurrence will happen and ill be in the news. Woman found dead in a bath-tub full of pepto bismal,  a rouge can of cream corn laid near by, also officials won't confirm but there may have been six wombats.. tonight at 11.... 

I want the change, I need it...... there is so much more I can do with whatever time I have left. I am working on accepting my loose skin, and how much more weight i have to go. I am working on being more accepting that things will come when they come, stop freaking that the scale doesn't give you the numbers you want. 

With much love today my pretty little losers... from you favorite Villainess N......... <3