That day was when I moved to Woodbridge VA, to live with Janet, and started my new life.. I was so large that getting up the steps to her apartment hurt, there were only three.. That i needed help getting off her couch (like actually having someone pull me up), that I had to have someone help me down the steps into her basement, and it would take me forever to go back up them.. 13 steps were the bane of my existence. There were times those steps were the fucking devil, and I loathed them so much I would stay in the basement in my room for days.. Have my food brought to me, because going up them hurt so badly...
I couldn't even walk to the end of her street without help, standing for more than a few moments at a time was unbearable.. I was always on the look out for the next place to sit, my crutch.... Terrified to go out of the house without my wheel chair, and being dropped off in front of everything so i wouldn't have to walk more than a few steps at a time.. THIS WAS NOT LIVING!!
I was miserable, simply miserable and I fought change the entire way... because fear of the unknown is my enemy.... fear of changing things up ... of just TRYING! I was so set in my ways, I couldn't be talked into trying anything on my own, I was so used to being catered too, being completely dependent on others to understand the strain it was putting on those around me. I can never get back the time I spent at Janets, and our friendship took a powerful hit those 10 months I was there... When you are unable to take care of yourself and rely on someone as much as I had too, things never really go back to the way they were afterwards.. I have come to terms with this.. and both of us right now have our own lives to focus on. I am okay with this, time will heal all things.. <3
So many people have asked me how did you lose the weight before surgery... I can only really tell you that I whined, cried, prayed, binged, and killed myself at the gym for hours and hours of time almost everyday I could get there..... I would work myself ragged, I was getting this surgery no matter what.. I was going to save my life if it killed me (lol ironic huh!) ... Determination is a hell of a thing when your faced with a death sentence, will power is a big part of it too... And though most peoples doctors won't look you in the face and tell you.. Hey fatty you are one twinkie away from a coronary ... I was lucky mine did...
I have always used "i never want.. Or I never am...." those are going to be another set of words I am not going to say anymore.. when it comes to my personal health and well being... Never say never.. because December 01, 2012 I thought I would never be this far.... goes to show you that your destiny is what you make of it... You can rise or you can fall, and its all on how you perceive life... It comes down to what are you willing to give up, to do to get what you really want... what you need!!!
I am blown away from where I am today..... and one of my favorite quotes ever...
“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Well thats all for now, my pretty little losers.. love your
favorite Villainess N~
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