The wind was blowing through my hair cooling the collected sweat from the gym, the pains from using the bike were slowly starting to dissipate as i pushed forward.. All I could think about was one more step, just one more step.. over and over in my head.. If I can just do one more step..... It began to hum in the back of my mind, just one more...
I let go of my fear of the dark, the fear of being alone, the pain in my body.. and i listened to that hum buzzing in the back of my brain.. Just one more.. because one more lead to another.. and then another.. I felt so in tuned with my journey in that moment...
I often forget my journey is only beginning that there is so much left to accomplish. So much more for me to learn and experience, I forget to just to stop thinking and listen to my body. Because when you push fear of the unknown out of your mind, you can go on to do great things.. Change happens one step outside your comfort zone, doing just the bike would have been enough for me to go home and slapped myself on the back.... But thats no longer good enough for me, I deserve better.. I want to feel better, look better, be better in all the areas of my life.
And why can't i achieve that? What is stopping me from achieving my goals? Its not lack of motivation, its fear of the unknown.. Will i hurt myself? Will i fail? Will i have regain? all of these stupid fears keeping me from my full potential... Having will power isn't enough to succeed, you have to be brave. You have be willing to tell your past to fuck off... To tell all those fears and unknowns to take a long walk off a short pier.. Because you don't need them anymore....
I kind of view my 512 pound self like Gollum from LOTR, two pars of a whole.. My selfish, lazy, fearful, agoraphobic 512 Gollum part of me.. Screams stay at home, and treats cupcakes like the precious!.. nom nom nom cupcake fatty you know if you walk outside, something horrible is going to happen right...??!!!? And the 334 Smegal part of me, says eat clean and train dirty!!! Kick your own ass daily and look at the results baby!!
Thats the person I want to be, and when stress or drama happens I revert back to Gollum and try and talk myself in to eating like trash and never leaving the house.. I refuse to allow my past to dictate my future anymore... I refuse to be terrified to make choices and decisions that will better my life..
I am just going to breathe.. just one more step..
“It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.”
J.R.R. Tolkien
Alright my pretty little losers thats all for today, your favorite Villainess N! <3
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