Abandonment...

This topic hits super hard and close to home... I have the worlds worst case of abandonment and daddy issues. Matter of fact when I I meet someone new, they can immediately see the extra baggage I carry. Matthew on the other hand, has had to deal with said extra baggage for years now.. 

When you are with someone who needs constant praise and approval its can become rather tiring, to say the least. I feel horrible for it sometimes, I can catch it before it comes out of my mouth. Maybe you don't understand what I mean, and how it could be tiring to someone who obviously doesn't share these issues. Well allow me to give you some examples.. 

Feeling that your not good enough, for a person friend, family, or lover. The feeling that they can and will find someone better than you. The itching feeling that if they are 10 minutes late and haven't called that surely they have found someone more interesting and just don't want to tell you. Its that nagging feeling in the back of your head, that constantly lets you know that no matter how good of a person you are one fuck up from being alone .. 

There are a lot of things I am working on, and this is just part of my getting to know who I am... That means I have to face my fears, no matter how silly or upsetting they may be. Its time to stop hiding behind walls and barriers. It is finally time to open the door wide and allow some fucking sunshine in this place!! I have spent so many years under my own personal tyranny, my own form of torture that I don't know anything else. I am unable to function in normal situations, which is something I desire to fix before we get pregnant and I pass along these neuroses to my children. 

Finding a mate when you are well.. for lack of better words "nuts" is hard enough. But to actually have a long lasting relationship with someone is almost unheard of when you have these issues. I just so happened to find someone with the patience of a saint. He accepts me with all my faults, and constantly reassures me he won't leave me ever. 

But there you go, thats the root of the problem he shouldn't have to constantly reassure me that he won't leave. I should be confident in my own skin, to know he won't find anyone better. That there is no one else that could snatch him away. But in my mind no matter how much weight i lose, no matter how good I am starting to feel. My mind is constantly under attack, you will have too much loose skin when this is over. He will hate it, and despise the money you will need to fix it.... What if you can't have kids after all, you know Nirvana that its something he wants more than anything, so he will just leave you for someone who can....

This is the stupid shit that flows through my mind almost daily, and I for one and simply tired of it. I am annoyed with my lack of love for myself, and respect. If you cannot respect the person you are, why the hell would anyone else respect you. Though he loves me, its not enough I have to learn to love myself. Today i started with telling myself that I have pretty eyes. I have my fathers eyes, and that made me smile. I will no longer allow myself to wallow in self pity and doubt. We have been together for six years, and this poor man has seen me at my absolute worst at 500+ pounds. Life is a million times better than it used to be, and its about time I come to realize it. 

Friends come and they go, family drift in and out of your life and that's got to be okay for me. I cannot run from family and potential friends because I'm scared to commit, because I am scared to being hurt. Life is going to be different and I can make meaningful relationships that will last if I will let them.. 

Thats all for today my pretty little losers... From your favorite Villainess N!! <3 

Forgiveness....

Do we really realize what forgiveness is...? Like when you honestly sit down and think about forgiving someone else, what does it mean to you personally?

I thought long and hard about this (yes yes.. thats what she said! LOL), no but I have thought a lot about this subject the last few days. I am trying to make an effort to let go, as the song from frozen says. Let it go... let it go... can't hold me back anymore. Now that I have given everyone an earwig for today back to my point... 

How can you forgive and forget? Are people made to forgive those who have wronged them? Are we able to see past the pain and suffering and become the bigger person in the situation. Humans are odd creatures, no one is exactly alike.. therefore no one has a damn clue what is going to piss off another person. So we all follow simple guidelines in order to "try" and get along. 

Most of us want the comfort of friends and family, there are some people out there that prefer to be alone. But.. I will use the word "but" here, (because I have played both sides of this field) the people who typically want to be alone normally are running from something, or suffering from some sort of social or behavioral disorder.

Most of us choose not to be alone, not to be lonely. Being that I spent almost half my life running from social contact of any kind, I can tell you that I was fucking miserable either way. I was miserable around people, and without them. It was all ME, which is very hard to realize when you are in the middle of a nervous breakdown... 

Forgiveness is hard, and actually meaning it..... is even harder. You can tell your husband you forgive him for losing your favorite pair of earrings... Yet the moment he loses something else you love, you will instantly toss it in his face.. "OH yeah just like that time you lost my favorite pair of earrings!!!". So you didn't actually forgive him, you saved the situation as fodder for the next time he fucks up. 

I am working very hard on forgiving, I seem to have so much in my past that still bugs me today. So many people I felt wronged me, but to be honest and to really really be honest with myself. Those people don't give a rats ass or may not even know they hurt me. They are moving on with their lives and here I sit still brewing over something that happened 20 some odd years ago. Really!!??? 

Does that make any sense, I cannot go back, and obviously if they haven't contacted me in 20 some odd years to say they are sorry. I seriously doubt they remember or simply care. So why should I waste my time? Why should I carry this burden? This hate, shame, anguish? Over something that can never be taken back? 

Let it the hell go... You cannot change it... you cannot go back to yesterday Nirvana. I cannot spend anymore time on "what if's",  or on the "maybe if I would have's". or on the" it could have been's"..... Because they didn't happen that way, they won't happen that way, and whatever the situation was it happened the way it did for a reason. You never understand simple choices, and how they shape your future. 

I am working hard to forgive myself most of all... You must be able to forgive to move on, there is no moving on until you can honestly remember the situation without being mad or hurt by it. Realize it has happened for a reason... the purpose is not for you to see or even understand it just... sometimes is! 


Alright my pretty little losers, work on forgiving it will make you a much happier person I assure you.... From your favorite Villainess N... <3 

Changing your mind set...

Today I was shown an amazing amount of kindness, the start of the day wasn't that great to be honest. The start of today had my anxiety up, and the hair on the back of my neck tingling. So until about three in the afternoon my day was kinda ass. 

I decided to get my big girl panties on so to speak, and be a damned grown up and buck up. I could have allowed my stupid backwards thinking to ruin what was a beautiful and fun filled evening with my hubby. Which mind you  he actually twitched one of his days off for today just so we could spend our anniversary together. That is not easy to do when you are in the military, therefore he went the extra effort to do something sweet for me. 

So I went out into the living room while he was napping, and decided to put on makeup. Slowly but surely the more makeup I put on the better I started to feel, then picking out the clothes i was going to wear. Started getting excited at the prospect of a fun time, doing whatever... I woke him slowly standing on the bed, with a bright smile and a giggle. His face lite up instantly and he held out is arms asking me to come for a cuddle, his breathless words of your so beautiful melted my heart. He is my other half, he is the light in the darkness, the voice of reason. He is everything I prayed for and more. 

So once I started taking pictures of the outfit I put on, I slowly started feeling sexy.. pretty.... confident. Going out with him we went to Lowes thinking of the things we needed to purchase when we moved to his mothers house the end of next month. A small fridge, some *better* locks for the doors, a rug ect. Just little things that will make our new home fun for us. I enjoyed him just talking to me, btw wtf is it with Lowes and being shocked. I swear to God we must have shocked each other over 50 times. No matter what we touched zap... zap.. zap zap.. it was insane. But it was fun for like the 40 ish minutes we were there just mulling about. 

We decided to head to chevys I loooooooove tex mex, and Mexican food in general. So we decided to share a plate, we can do that now that I don't eat much due to RNY. So he always says I am a cheap date, we got the mixed fahetas, shrimp, steak, and carnitas. It was good I didn't eat much due to the fact I stuffed my gullet with alcohol and got hammered lol. Matthew seems to enjoy me getting rather wasted fast, as I become sweet and cuddly. Also apparently I like to try and remove my clothes for "business time" while still in public. ..... uh yeah so he decided to take me home. 

I looked on facebook after posting my pictures, and the overwhelming amount of kindness was crazy. To see so many postitive and wonderful comments on my pictures. Made me feel amazing, I have never once in my life felt pretty, or sexy until the last two months of my life. I never used to want pictures of me taken, or to wear clothes that were tight enough to see my figure. I wouldn't dare be in the spot light, or try to shine. 

Those dark days are over.. Moral of this blog is to explain to you, that you choose to have to a bad day. Having bad moments of course are going to happen, but you cannot let those negative feelings rule and ruin the rest of your day. Fuming and being depressed over something all day will never fix anything, it will never make the problems go away. It will only exacerbate them, and bring down anyone else who you come in contact with. Had I not changed my mindset, we would have never went out. We would have fought all day, and missed my chance on the enchanted evening I did get to have. I am so thankful sometimes for the patience this poor man has for me. Because anyone else would have ran screaming a long long time ago. 

Thats all for tonight my pretty little losers... from your favorite Villainess N. 

Anniversary

My husband.. 

The stone on which I stand.... My entire life I felt completely lost, I had no idea it was because my soul mate would be born 13 years after me, and across the country. I was 30 when we met, I had given up on so much. My life was turmoil, the relationship I had just been in was so toxic I had sworn off loving anyone ever again. 

But you crept in like a thief in the night, you slipped right though all my walls and borders. You stole what I thought was guarded under lock and key... The first time I realized I had feelings, the butterflies danced in my stomach all night long. I felt as if at any moment I would surely take flight. It was insane, but how could I tell you. I decided I wouldn't be the first, I couldn't put heart out there to be rejected. We were friends, fun happy, interesting friends. 

Besides how could anyone love me.... I was vile, broken, discarded and worthless..... The night you told me you cared for me, I cried for hours after you went to bed. I was so terrified to show you who I was behind the screen. The woman behind the avatar, the real person who could potentially be devastated if you were to reject her for being fat. I tried many nights to push you away, telling you all sorts of darken secrets and past events, testing the waters. You were so young, inexperienced, I was so terrified you didn't know what love was. 

How could anyone be more wrong, you came in like a tornado of love and acceptance from the moment you stepped off the plane. You've turned my world of ash into something bright and beautiful. My life has been amazing, these past six long years. Not perfect, not easy, not blissfully happy. But amazing, getting to know you and seeing you flourish right before my eyes. You gave me courage to change, you helped me find my own strength. Through your eyes I have found the person I buried under 500 pounds. Through your beautiful blue eyes, I can see so many things in my future. 

I love you, cherish you, need you, and adore every part of who you are and who you are becoming. I want to thank you for always believing in me, for always holding my hand, for taking care of me at my worst. I cannot wait to give you my best, I am working so hard on becoming the best Me i possibly can. To give you gorgeous children, to give you long endless years of passion and fun. 

You helped me become a woman........ 4 years of marriage today. I love you....... forever and a day...

Pain...

Yesterday .... was hard, wait that is an understatement it wasn't just hard it was down right painful. Yesterday I spent a good portion of time talking to my mother, we laughed and cried and reminisced about days when my father and brother were with us... When we were a completed family. Thinking about the used to be's is always hard, but to see the pain etched on her face everytime a flitter of a memory flows through her mind.. is painful. Never ending pain that will NEVER get better, it will never stop hurting it will never feel okay.... 

I remember as if it was yesterday I talked to you on the phone, asking how you were feeling. You told me you had come down with a cold.. How could I have known? How could anyone have understood that in a few short precious days you would stop breathing forever. That you would pass in your sleep, that at 38 years old I would need to worry about you not some how being there? 

I remember as if it was yesterday you hugging me goodbye when you dropped me off in Kingsport Tn, to make my new life. I remember having to use a walkie talkie on the ride up the mountains as I followed behind, your sleep apnea so bad you would constantly fall asleep at the wheel. And how i was terrified about you having to make the trek back to NC by yourself. You had a daughter and a wife waiting for you at home.. I remember as if it was yesterday your voice in my ear, telling me you loved me punkie and that we would see each other soon... 

I never got that chance, life turned its course and your gone. A small glimmer a blink of an eye, and your missing from existence. I know your watching, everyone says that... everyone wants to feel better at the thought their loved ones are "watching" us.. Yet I don't feel that way, heaven or whatever form of it is... is where you are no longer bothered with the physical realm, its so perfect and beautiful you are at rest. I just know your waiting on the other side, with daddy, nana, poppy until we can all be back together one day. 

But today I feel myself ache for you, I woke up thinking of your laugh in my dreams. I woke up wanting to call you so badly I searched for your number on my phone, and realized..... its been many years since YOUR number was on my phone... I felt today that hollow emptiness that haunts me. That deep throb where my brother used to be.... you were my protector and my confidant. You were the one person I could run to with anything and never worried about a glimmer of judgement. You were imperfect too..... God I miss you, I miss you...... I miss you.... 

I wish I knew then all the things I know now, I wish i could have gotten you gastric bypass. I wish I could have helped motivate you to change. To take better care of yourself, to learn when to stop. Learn when to rest when you needed it.... and learn when to put the fork down. I wish to God I could have saved you, kept you here with us. So that I wouldn't have to see the pain on my mothers face, when she remembers somberly that she buried her first born. That I wouldn't have to tell everyone that I only have ONE brother not two... You were supposed to threaten Matthew for me, tell him if he ever hurt me what you would do... You were supposed to walk me down the isle because daddy left us too... You were supposed to do so many great and wonderful things with your life. But food, drugs and simple neglect took you from us all ........ 

I love you......... forever and I will see you again... i will see you again.. I will..  

Nirvana... xo

Can't....

Last night... I lost something that I have been carrying around since I was in high school. Since I was a wee spring of a girl hiding in the bathroom stall to change clothes during gym... The scared depressed little part of me that has been always every present in the back of my mind... CAN'T. The word can't lost its meaning to me last night... I have been so reluctant to walk, to move, to try something new... I mean the bike is good enough of a work out right? 

My feet hurt, I have ingrown toe nails, my hip burns.... and the list of whys and shouldn't goes on and on.. just little weeds of self doubt planted firmly in my brain since I was little. Its annoying to be your own worst fr-enemy.... The person who should lift you up, the one person you should be able to count on is yourself... What happens when that person lets you down in the worst of ways? Well I can tell you from personal experience, you end up 500+ pounds. 

The number one excuse for years of my life, was its going to hurt me. Did no one understand that I just couldn't, it wasn't possible... that everyone's expectations of me were far too high!!! I simply couldn't and shouldn't and ultimately I didn't.... 

Its amazing how someone changes throughout life, thinking that you are the same person with the same beliefs and the same ideals as when you were younger is ridiculous.... I have changed so much from the time I was in high-school, until today. I do believe that you have to hit rock bottom to understand life sometimes. I think that once you scrap the bottom of the barrel of life, you appreciate things a hell of a lot more. 

Being fat did many things for me, it wasn't just a hindrance. Most people will say that being fat was the worst thing ever.... I believe that being fat was unhealthy, and miserable, and it sucked ass many many times. There is a but coming... wait for it.... wait for it....!!!

But my personality is built on many things, we are a product of our environment! I have always believed that... without a doubt that the person I am today is greatly due to the things I went through growing up. And when I say growing up I mean well until I hit 35 years of age. Hell i would even be so basin to say that perhaps we never finish growing up.... 

This will be a bit of a long blog today, I have a lot of on my mind. Back to what I was saying, I am a product of my experiences. I firmly believe that had I not went to job corps in my early adulthood, I would not be where I am sitting today. I have gone through hell and back, the brink of death staring me in the mirror and back. I tell you the other-side doesn't look that appealing when your not suicidal... Learning to deal with ones own demons can be hard, what makes this every so much harder is facing the fact that this was all my own damn fault......... 

As I would LOVE to blame every pound, every ounce, every fold on the people and things that have hurt me. Alas I cannot for I am the one who put every spoonful into my mouth. No one forced me to eat like crap and not exercise. No one person held a gun to my head and said EAT THIS ENTIRE KEY LIME PIE within 24 hours or ill end you right here!.... No... no.. no... that was all me... my way of justifying the chaos in my own mind. The turmoil of losing ones father, and brother... grandparents and friends... 

Its all about perspective... can you stand back and take a good deep look at yourself and say ....... I love you.... just the way you are..... a beautiful catastrophe .. you were never made to be perfect ... you are not chiseled out of marble .... you are your own masterpiece an ever changing work of art!? 

I digress the moral of this blog today, is that I have given up the word CAN'T! this word is no longer allowed when it comes to my health and well-being. The word can't will be replaced with I'll do my best, I am going to try, and lets just see how far I can go... Today is a new dawn, a new day... and new life.. Let your can'ts, maybes, not sures, and your won'ts behind and embrace your own strength... I believe in you... 

That's all for now my pretty little losers, from your favorite Villainess N.... <3 

A letter to myself...

I often times find myself talking to past/future me, does that make sense? The person I used to be, and the person I am slowly and steadily becoming.... Its an odd feeling today I felt as if I needed to write a letter as if the person I am becoming is a long lost friend that though time we drifted apart. A happier/healthier me that I once knew, suddenly is popping back up to say hello with an apology. So this blog may seem odd, but I feel it will help me in a strange way when I read back over it thought-out my journey.. 

I am sorry, for life simply put just life. We drifted apart, you went a different road than was planned and we somehow we got separated. I felt for a long time I should contact you, let you know that I was somehow still there, even in the darkest of times. But sadly again LIFE intervened. 

I was unable to get to you when you needed me the most. I am sorry you felt that I didn't care, that you weren't wanted, that you weren't good enough.. I am sorry for everything... I want you to know I am here now, and things are going to change. And I will be that backbone and willpower, that friend you so desperately needed so many times as you cried over every single bag of chips, every single box of cookies, every slice of cake you ate to FEEL just a little bit better about your situation no matter how fleeting that FALSE happiness may have been. 

I love you, just the way you are.. you are a work in progress. A beautiful catastrophe, a whirl wind of sarcasm and wit.. A gentle soul, that would give anything for the ones she loves. You found your other half, it was the first step of many. This journey you have embarked on its a hard and treacherous road full of ups and downs around every corner. It won't be easy, its going to be hell before its all over. And I need you to know I am here when you need me. Understand that you will fail, the best part of understanding failure is that you know what NOT to do the next time. You understand that its just life and you can learn from every mistake you make. 

Becoming the better you is never easy, you have so little time on earth. So many lives you have and will come n contact with, and it seems that the people who use their time here to help others are the ones who seem the happiest. 

I love you... I've always loved you... 

(This blog is just my way of apologizing for every year I felt helpless, miserable, hopeless, depressed and suicidal... I cannot go back to yesterday, I am no longer that person... ) 

Late night ramble ... ramble ... ramble...

I should be making a video but I just haven't gotten the gumption today. Been wondering a lot about my eating habits, and the fact it feel like I can eat a lot more than I should. This bothers me for many reasons, the first reason is because I feel that I should still be on half cup portions. I know I know I am nine months out and this is the time where I should be transitioning into a cup of food. But it feels wrong, I enjoyed feeling rather full on my tiny amounts. But as I become more active I do wonder if I am eating enough... 

These are all problems someone with weightloss surgery deals with, well scratch that.. This is something anyone who has extra weight should be dealing with. Portion size and control... its the hardest damn thing in the world. Why can't I eat an entire CAKE?! why shouldn't I have 3 cupcakes today? If i hurry up and eat this entire bag of chips today then I can start back on my diet tomorrow.. THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS! and yes i am yelling... not at you but when I read this 50 times like I know I will do. I can only hope that it will sink in .... say it with me.... eating a whole bunch of shit in one day doesn't make up for you eating better tomorrow. 

Thats horse shit, you shouldn't have to start over again tomorrow. There is no starting over...... NO DO OVER BUTTON! You don't get a mulligan ma'am .. its now or never. I get so frustrated with myself when I feel that eating like shit today, its perfectly fine because tomorrow is another day. You aren't promised tomorrow asshole.. so you sound stupid saying that. Tough love, its whats for dinner... its the other other other other white meat... lol

I become angry when I see so many posts of this is what regain looks like, to me those posts are pretty much saying HEY this is what failure looks like, the waters fine come on in.... cos you know.. tomorrow is another day!!??!!! Do.. not.... want....!! You don't post this is what regain looks like, you take that picture and put it on your fridge and every time you go to open it you see what your eating is doing to you. You take that picture and do you something about it.. its not a joke its not funny. 

I am annoyed because regain is scary for me, it was easy as hell to get this weight on., And it has proven to be hard as hell to get it off. So regaining any of this back makes me nervous. Not that I realize to some degree it shall eventually happen. I am not stupid I do know I will never be perfect and I will always have to work hard to keep as much of it off as i can. Its called will power, and having a back bone and those things were hiding under an extra 170 pounds.. Who knows what else I may find when I shed the other 150 left to go... 

There is a small person in here somewhere, I can feel her when I lay on my side and feel my ribs poking out. Or when I lay down flat and see whats left of my boobs over top of my stomach instead of the other way around. I can see her when I turn my neck a certain way and see a jaw line and collar bones just underneath the surface. But its going to take time, I still have a ton of weight to remove and lets not even talk about loose skin. I am no longer the scared shell of a human I was at 512+ pounds, the invalid lump that never wanted to leave her house... She is dead... I officially pronounced her dead when I woke up from surgery... I buried that bitch in the coffin that once had my name on it... I am now 340 pound woman who is learning to love herself, trying to figure out what the next step is. A whole realm of possibilities has opened up, and they are ripe for the picking. I just have to reach out and dare to take them.. 

I will be someone else by the time this is all over, when I am sitting at whatever weight I feel comfortable at... The trick will be loving this journey instead of being afraid of it... Loving all the NSV's no matter how small they may be, they are huge compared to how I was living. If i can call that living at all.. 

Well its almost time for me to close my eyes, good night my pretty little losers... From your favorite Villainess N... <3 

Therapy....

Therapy...... what does that mean excately? There are many ways to take the word therapy I suppose it just depends on the person using it and what i means to them...

For me Therapy means a sense of hope, someone that will listen to what I have to say.. therefore I suppose my Facebook, Youtube, and this is also a type of therapy. Not that I find what I have to say that terribly important or interesting. But I feel that the things I need to say should be out there. That i cannot be the only person with these feelings.... 

Today I went to my second session with my theripst, Dr. G .... She is a kindly woman who has a bright smile, instantly makes me want hug her thats something important to me. If you are going to watch me cry, and listen to what all is on my mind. Well I should be able to get a hug or two from time to time... sometimes its just needed... 

A lot of people think going to therapy means your crazy, I don't feel that way at all.. I feel that if you are STRONG enough to seek help, then it doesn't make you crazy it makes you understand there are things in life you CANNOT take care of on your own. Therefore you are actively seeking much needed help from an outside source. That all boils down to becoming that better YOU i keep spouting about. 

Taking the time to talk to someone who has a PHD, who has heard 1000's of stories from all sorts of people, only makes sense that perhaps I cannot FIX myself. Maybe bouncing off ideas to a third party might be just what I need. Two heads are better than one, so I have crippling anxiety, I have crippling panic attacks... that doesn't mean i am crazy. It means somewhere somehow something fucked me up, and my brain needs to be retrained. I wasn't born this way, I have been depressed since I was a child, but I wasn't born unhappy. You can choose to be unhappy for the rest of your life, but that is not me... I have come to far, to let this beat me so its time to change. Inside and out, surgery was only part of what I was willing to do, to become the better ME. 

What are you willing to do to achieve your goals? How much are you willing to give up? Forcing myself to admit I needed help in more area's than one was the biggest thing I have been dealing with. Admitting that I wasn't going to wake up FIXED one day, it wasn't going to happen by magic. No amount of pills is going to make my life perfect! It can help ease the symptoms but those things are still under the service and need to be dealt with. I will NOT live my life dependent on medicine for my general happiness. I will find my happiness within, I will fix the issues that cause me to want to cut, to harm, to eat, to cry uncontrollably, to panic.... 

Life is too short: its far too short to be scared of living......

I may not make these everyday, but so far ... not too shabby..... <3 Have a great day my pretty little losers... from your favorite Villainess N. 

Learning to live my life without... without what you may ask... well allot of things. I can't give you my entire back story its far too much to write in this entry. But ill eventually give you what you seek though my endless ramblings either here, Facebook, or YouTube. Its all about what platform suits you best, that's half my problem I have always wanted them all.. self indulgence should have been my middle name.

So living a life without, hasn't been easy.. And it challenges me every single day to do better, to push further to become... what???? excately what I am trying to figure out myself....

Writing a blog is always hard for me, because I write and write and write then I read it and delete things I say. That's why i enjoy vlogging so much, because I don't do retakes if it comes out of my mouth it goes in and i don't know how to edit so there is no filter.

I am learning to live... I don't really feel as if i have ever actually lived. My life has been lackluster to say the very very least. I allowed 34 years of my life to go by, while wandering around different peoples homes doing odd jobs ect. And never really sticking to one certain thing, or group of people. It easiest if you just move on, can't get hurt that way I mean its me moving on right... no one is leaving me behind??! So its got to be easier to just pick up and head to the next town ect.....

Its never been that hard for me to make friends, keeping them has been the problem. I tend to push when the going gets tough, easier to deal with if i just drop them like a bad habit the moment they learn what a mess i am. Its been hard to try and keep friendships over the last few years, opening myself up and actively trying to KEEP the friendship and relationships is one of the hardest things I have dealt with so far.

This would be a great time to explain how random I am, in these ramblings of mine you will no doubt become rather confused. Its normal, welcome to my thought process its just about everywhere at once!! I will try to stay on point, but that is a rare thing for me. Just enjoy the tangent wherever it may lead us!

So this is the end of my first entry..... Until tomorrow my pretty little losers......... xo your favorite Villainess N.