The past is still an important tool

Often times I find myself reminiscing about the past, thinking about how different my life could have been. But then again that doesn't really help me does it? I cannot change any of it whats done is done, and the only thing i can work on, the only thing I can change is the outcome of my future. 

I have made so many stupid mistakes in my life that its not remotely amusing to me. The things that bother me the most are the things I cannot seem to let go of. I would love to say all my weight came on after my dad died, after my brother passed. But thats not the truth, I was heavy my entire life and sadly I didn't know how to fix "myself back then". I didn't realize half of what I do now, but who really does in hindsight? 

Side note: my ass hurts the padding that once covered my booty is slowly leaving me and sitting for too long in any chair hurts my ass.. that is all.. 


I am so proud of how far I came, but a big part of me is angry I even got here to begin with. The fact I had to cut my stomach open and rearrange my body parts pisses me off. The fact that I had to wait until I was 34 to get my head out of my ass also pisses me off. I tried to get gastric bypass in 2004, but my insurance said it was too "new" and that they wouldn't pay for it. I know that had I gotten off the ball and gotten on ssi I could have gotten it done faster as well, and of course been on disability at the same time. But I have always gone the path of less resistance and filing paperwork was annoying so I just waited. To die... or for something else to happen to change my life. 

Matthew did change my life and for the better, he gave me so much hope and love and friendship that I finally found the reason to change. It wasn't for HIM per-say but he is a large part of it, I used to pray to God every night please .. please.. please bring me someone who could love me for me.. someone who could see past all my fat and just love and cherish me.. I cried myself to sleep praying this same prayer constantly wishing I had a hand to hold, wishing someone would want to be romantic with me.. Someone would NEED and WANT me, i was so lonely and only getting bigger. I felt broken and used up, I felt that I would never have anyone who would treat me well, and find that "one".

But I did he fell in to my lap in and built a friendship he made it so easy to love him. And though i was terrified and scared to show the REAL me, after all the pain I had suffered. He didn't even bat an eye about my weight, I thought he was a scammer. I had no idea what I had stumbled across, the "one" I was praying for had finally come. And here we are six years later stronger and happier than I have ever been in my entire life. 

I know in my heart that I had to go through all the horrible events of my life in order to be where I am today. I understand that I would not appreciate Matthew the way I do, had I never dealt with the God awful relationships I had before him. I would not be the person I am today if life had been easy. 

The past is the past, but its still important it shows you where you have been. And lets you appreciate how different your life has become.. Or at least that is what I am taking from it, the past doesn't have to repeat itself. I am far from where I want to be but.. I am closer to success than I am failure. 

I want nothing more in life than to see my friends and family succeed, to watch them flourish and grow. Its amazing to see how hard people are willing to fight for a better tomorrow. I have seen people drop serious weight, overcome so many obstacles that others would have given up over. Being on Facebook and YouTube has taught me so much about people in general. Sure there is drama, but the community is so much more than that. A little drama won't kill  us in fact it spices things up from time to time. 

I am very sleepy its late for me but I am trying to upload a damn video and its already been an hour, i really wish i could turn the good net on here... argh being broke right now SUCKS!! lol xo won't be too long im sure no worries you know im still here you can find me on facebook and youtube if you need me.. <3 


Thats all for now my pretty little losers from your favorite villainess N~
https://www.facebook.com/NirvanaBowersLee
https://www.youtube.com/user/VapidVillainess
http://vapidvillainess.blogspot.com
http://nirvanathegastricfoodie.blogspot.com/

Feeling faulty.... and eating my feelings... argh

I drank myself stupid last night for the first time since surgery I had WAYYYYY to many: plus had some fairly salty food to add to it. I haven't been eating right for the last two weeks and I know why.... I got angry because I took hormones to help me get my cycle and it didn't work. I feel faulty.... Everyone asks when are you going to start having kids. I know plenty of people who have kids who are bigger than you now...

I don't think people understand how much that hurts me... I am devastated that I cannot have children yet, and then of course I get the people who are don't get pregnant now you will gain all your weight back........!! I am damned if i do.. and damned if i don't.... I am going to be 36 years old, I want children so badly but its not in the cards right now. Its very hard for me yet no one seems to understand, if i could I would... If God wants to grant it then it will be soooo I have no control over having kids. My husband is fucking perfect we have tested, its all me baby!!!

So today I need to get this out, because I am eating my feelings which is something I cannot allow myself to do.

I am so bored being at home during the day, I really need to find a job or something to do. Because eating out of boredom isn't an option either, and everyone knows when they are doing it. So today the scale screamed at me 338... thats the end of that mess! Back to shakes and eating only my diet food, get it together dipshit..

Children are a blessing and I cannot wait to be a mother one day, I am not even upset that its not today... its the fact that I want the option. There is nothing wrong with just wanting the option to have kids is there? I HATE being told you will gain all your weight back, thats two hundred fucking pounds... That isn't going to happen, what do they think i wake up and decide im never eating healthy again, or ill never exercise ever again?!!?? I would be pregnant not stupid!? That shit makes my agent orange act up seriously.. Would it be harder to lose more weight.. I am sure it would with hormones but welcome to being a woman.. If other women can lose it after pregnancy why the hell couldn't I???? I am motivated and dedicated to my new life. I fuck up just like everyone else but I get back on the horse and keep riding damn it... Have a little faith in me will ya!?


I know that people adopt and thats fantastic for them.. But i am not at that point yet, and its not really something I want to consider until I have no options left. I have a dear and beautiful friend that is adopting three wonderful babies.... She is an amazing woman and mother and I am so proud of her so I have nothing against adoption its just not what I am looking into at the moment.

I will be bringing this up to my therapist on monday, hopefully she can shed some light into this mess in my head. I want nothing more than to just hand someone else my brain and let them fix all the crossed wires. Just hand it over and be like here.. you do this! Because I am so fragile about this subject right now, do you see this picture ...

 

This picture sums it all up, this is my "technically" nieces daughter lily... She's two months old and I fell in love the moment I saw her. The look on my face tells it all, she puked on me and it was all over my hands, pants, shirt and I said.. AWWWWWW!!! I spent a good two hours holding that baby and it was the best feeling ever, she fussed and cried and puked and farted on me and it was perfectly fine with me. One day I pray this will happen for us, doesn't have to be today but I just want to know its a possibility there is nothing wrong with that... 

Thats all for now my pretty little losers, I am still waiting on my internet to be reinstalled the one I am on is ballssss right now so no videos for a bit.. <3 from your favorite Villainess N~

Time to get back on track..

I love life, for the first time in my entire life I can say that without a smallest amount of humor hidden in my voice. Life is becoming everything that I could have dreamed of and more. 

Had i known what I was missing so many years ago, I wouldn't have needed the surgery in the first place. I wish when i was younger I could have used GYM to work out and learned how good it felt. But being bullied and being made fun of because I was weaker and fatter than the other kids, only propagated my lack of wanting to even try. 

But those times are over, and times are a changing and with those times I am forced to face my own fears and change with them. "Time waits for no man": is an important quote because life happens all around you. No matter if you choose to enjoy it and reap the full benefits or not. Time doesn't stop just because you are afraid... 

I have spent 34 years of my life being afraid to be myself, being afraid to grasp all that life can offer. Those days are over and I am thrilled to death at how much I can learn and accomplish in one year. I had someone tell me the other day that if i hadn't have had gastric bypass that I would still be the same person I was over a year ago. And I said to them I was making the right changes before my surgery, there is no way I would have stayed the same. 

Getting my surgery was important don't get me wrong, it has helped me tremendously and I won't even try to hide that fact. But I am not defined by the surgery alone, it is a tool to help me lose the weight but I have to kill myself working out and choosing what goes in my body for the tool to work. I have hormonal issues that have helped me reach the weight I became at 512 pounds, and not to mention our good old friend fear. 

This beautiful tool has been amazing in helping me achieve some of my goals, but I am far from where I need to be. I won't be done with my body or this beautiful journey for years maybe. And i am in no rush I am going to enjoy every single moment of my life. I am not going to hide myself any longer I am forcing myself to get out there and do. Thats what we should all do, life is too precious to worry about driving, or crowds, or drama of any kind. Life is so wonderful and short to not want to live every single day of it as if it was your last. So its time to get back on track, I have moved and life isn't waiting for me! <3 

Thats all for now my pretty little losers... <3 from you favorite Villainess N~