Robins Williams Passing... pt 1

They say that its the people with biggest smiles, hide the most pain. Those who use laughter to shroud how they really feel, I am guilty of this as well. 

There was a smile on my face no matter how badly I was feeling, being able to hide the misery inside became easy at an early age. School is hell when you are different, and I was taller and larger than everyone in kindergarten and you can only imagine how it went from there. 

It turned from curious inquires on why i was taller and chunker to blatant remarks in first grade. And the pounds just kept coming, I cannot blame anything on my parents they did with what we had. We had a garden and being a kid, you couldn't pay me to eat that stuff. So the things I did eat weren't the greatest, its not any fault of my parents. Its genetics and lack of information... period.. 

I started really noticing hate when I was in second grade, where kids who didn't seem to mind talking to me the years before. Suddenly became way too cool to be seen talking to me, I was weird and fat and didn't have the coolest bookbag or clothes. It suddenly became very lonely to be in school, so I would act up laughing at myself at least was some sort of attention. Any bit of attention was better than being hated and ignored. So of course I became the class clown, at least you're funny!!! 

Its how I have dealt with everything my entire life, as long as I laugh first, then no one can hurt me. That is a huge load of bullshit, it always hurt. It hurt when I laughed at myself and it hurt when they laughed with me. Because no matter what they were still making fun of me, and I was still as lonely and hurt as ever. So the rest of my school experience was horrific, getting gum tossed in my hair, being bullied and shamed. Being spit at and pushed down, and of course the one thing in life that made me feel good was eating. 

So eating my feelings was the only way I knew to cope, and I would accept anyones friendship no matter how badly they would treat me. Because any attention was better than none at all right? Lets skip out of the school zone and chalk it up to living in the area I did, and the lack of information. 

 When my father died my world stopped.. IT STOPPED! everything shifted and the world simply dropped out of orbit for me. He was my best friend, one of the only people in my life that loved me for just me.  He raised me while my poor mom had to work and slave away to try and pay bills. She put herself through college and tried to make a life for us. It wasn't easy on her part either, so when I tell you the world stopped for me, it crashed for her. ... 

Life as i knew it became nothing, I wanted to join him so badly. I simply couldn't understand why God would take him from us. Why on earth did I have to live without my daddy. I still wonder that from time to time, but as I am much older and wiser I understand that God puts angels in your life and sometimes they aren't meant to stay there forever because he needs them back. 

Anyways, thinking about Robin Williams death.. I know that place he was in, I know that sinking feeling. That feeling of making everyone else laugh so they don't see your dying little by little inside. That dark cloud that never seems to dissipate. The worries and shortcoming constantly  keeping you up at night. The feeling that you can't breathe, and if only it could just stop. That feeling that everyone would be so much better off if I were gone. That no one loves or cares for me, and that the pain would finally end. That wish for peace and quiet in my head just for a moment. That the darkness that surrounds me would finally envelope me and I would be at rest. 

In early 2000's I got out of Job Corps and became severely depressed.  I wouldn't come out of my room, I would lay in bed for days and days. Not eating not drinking not talking, just waiting for death to take me. I would carve words into my flesh because at least in that moment i would feel something. I would feel pain which was so much better than the dead feelings I had inside.  But when my friends would come around or someone would call I would do my best to laugh and joke and pretend I was having a great time. Inside of course I would be screaming, pleading and wishing for it all to be over soon. 

I went into a mental hospital three different times trying to figure out what was wrong with me. ... lets leave this one here..This will be a two parter because its getting long and I there is so much I need to say...  Ill write more either today or finish it up tomorrow <3 

Coffee and wondering where this road leads..

I spent some time this morning pondering over coffee, in what direction is my life going? I remember asking myself this very same question when I turned 30 years old and decided to start college. Now 30,000 dollars in debt (thanks university of phoenix), I still haven't used the degree I got. 

Don't get me wrong I know I have made various strides into fixing my life, but what direction is it going. Where do I see myself in 10 years, what is going to help me be the best ME. So with these questions in mind, I am going to slowly formulate this morning. 

Everyone knows I want a family, but when I push aside my raging hormones for a moment. I can clearly think that without saving and working it wouldn't work. That just trying to live off of matthews income wouldn't be feasible to raise a family. I haven't worked in a very very long time, 9 years since my accident and my withdrawal from life completely. So unless its a miracle I am going to push having babies back another year or so. Yes .. yes i am going to be old, shut up!! I will be 37 maybe even verging on 38, but I will be super healthy, and a lot wiser than I am now. I will also with all hopes have a nest egg to help transition having a super cute human dimpled mini me. 

So I have also thought about going back to school, but considering that I cannot even use the degree I have now.. the thought of going back seems unlikely. I do however kinda toss around looking at getting certified for medical billing, since that is what my degree is in anyways. And it would be way cool to toss medical jargon around and look smart!!!! 

Now on the subject of skin issues, well it would seem it is going to be a long process that is going to suck major ass. Yah so tricare won't pay for much except for the apron removal, but that won't stop me from trying to get more approved. I just need to find the right doctors to help me, I won't give up that easy and there would be no way in hell I could afford the amount of money it would take to fix this on my own. Then again i have a long while before I can consider taking skin off, so for now ill suck it up and just keep on.. keeping on. 

Traveling... uh yes I am planning (prays so hard right now), that I can head to the east coast to visit my mother and brother in March of next year. It will still be cool enough that I won't die trying to go to disney world and other festivities. I haven't seen my mother in a very long time, and well my brother in lets say since 2002. As my only living sibling it would be nice to try and reconnect at some point, but we shall see how that goes. We are very different and have had very little contact since I was a kid. I do love him very much, but honestly we don't know each other. I would very much like to change that some day but we shall see. <3 

Let me tell you about this man who married me, unconditional love. Its what I receive every single day of my life. He loves me with everything he has and more.. I couldn't have asked for someone better, as I have stated so many times God granted me one wish. To have someone who would love me no matter what, thats what i prayed for since i was so very little. And I got my miracle because I can assure you I am a damned handful and a half. My hormones have me going from 0-Kill in no time, he is immune to my temper tantrums with what I call him having the patience gene. It surely is missing from my chromosomes, I have absolutely NO patience. He is so good to me even when i don't deserve it, he always has open arms and for all the little things I am eternally grateful to have someone as precious and amazing as him in my life. 

So the road is long, and the journey for me is just starting... I am looking forward to seeing where this road is going to lead! 

Thats all for now my pretty little losers ... from your favorite Villainess N~ <3

Winds of change..... not everyone is going to like the "new" you..

I have been avoiding blogging lately because I suffered a heavy blow to my heart, mind, and ego a few weeks back. 

I haven't wanted to blog about it until I knew how i actually felt about the situation. Here it is, after much over thinking, crying, throwing things, much depression, therapy, and self loathing. I am finally able to fully blog about it and let the thoughts leave my brain hopefully for good. 

Once upon a time, and odd little girl had no friends..... So she found a group of misfits to hang with in highschool that didn't fit in either. We went through lots in JROTC and it was fun times, until my life took a big fat crap and my father died. Once my dad died nothing mattered to me anymore, my life as i was concerned was over. So i stopped caring and dropped out of highschool, disconnected all family ties and friendships and went to Job Corps. Where my life would further disintegrate I went from people being terrible to me in highschool, to real life thugs and delinquents being ultra horrible to me in Job Corps. 

So you can imagine that didn't bode well for me either, the story of Job Corps will come one day but its long and drawn out and involves setting a table on fire.... So yeah another time for that!

Once I was released from prison (Job Corps), I found a quiet little place to settle down in Tennessee where I fit in with some really interesting people lol. I always look back on those few years fondly, I still talk to several people that I lived with back then. Anyways! I just kept losing myself, this time in drugs and alcohol. I went into a mental institution three times trying to figure out what was wrong with tme. 2001 is when I started getting agoraphobic and more even more distant that I have ever been before. 

I was put on all sorts of drugs, told I was bi polar (*which I am not*), told I am a sociopath (lol maybe i won't tell) there are all sorts of things I was branded. Other than what is really the underlieing problem I fucking miss my dad, has been fat shamed since childhood and I was a big brooding mess. I shunned the world just as they had shunned me, I wanted nothing to do with it. I found ways to live with different people so I wouldn't have to deal with the outside world. 

So there is a bit of a backstory for you, now lets get down with how I am feeling today. MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH better, for the first time I don't cringe going outside. I don't cringe walking into a restaurant feeling that people are staring at me. I don't fear going into a door that is closed in an office because everyone always looks when the door opens and i would be stared at. I don't cry myself to bed at night because im scared im going to die tomorrow because im 500 pounds. I don't have to pray to god to bring people who love me. I don't have to make excuses on why i don't want to go to parties because im not feeling well. 

I don't have to worry about finding clothes online because there is nothing in a store big enough to fit me. I dont have to hide who i am under hundreds of pounds of fat anymore, those layers are gone. I loving the person I have become, and the person I am still trying to achieve. But not everyone feels the same way about me now... 

Friends that I thought were ride or die, aren't..... and i guess thats the hardest thing I have had to come to grips with. Is that when  you change yourself, when you turn your life upside down not everyone is going to like the new you. 

That happened to me a few weeks ago, my god I had to realise that I have changed so much that someone I have known  half my life no longer wants anything to do with me. That someone I felt was real family could just cut me off like I was nothing to her. That someone that I would have given anything for, kidney, liver... anything a fucking bullet could drop me like I was yesterdays trash. 

I have had to come to terms with this, and accept it for what it is. The old nirvana would run back groveling and asking for forgiveness. The old Nirvana would scream and cry and brood, running from life and think about what a horrible person she is. The old nirvana isn't fucking here anymore, that fat self loathing bitch died August 20th 2013. Its been a year since I have seen here almost, and I'm not visiting her grave to grieve. 

I will not be used and abused nor will I crawl back on my hands and knees begging. I am a damn good person... I love passionately and if I consider you family I would do anything to help you. If I have it and I can do it is yours.. I hate what happened to my friendship, it hurt me more than I can express. And time may heal all things who knows.. maybe years down the road we can come back together. But right now its about getting my life back together, and focusing on building my family. This person helped me more than I can express, for that I am eternally grateful. I couldn't say enough about what this person did for me to help me get my gastric bypass. And I will stay grateful no matter if we are talking or not.

I love this person with everything I have, and that won't change because I am not talking to her. It just simply is what it is, I am not the girl you met in highschool, I am not the same helpless, wheelchair bound person I was last year.. I cannot go back to yesterday I was a different person then!! 

With much love my pretty little losers, your favorite Villainess N~