They say that its the people with biggest smiles, hide the most pain. Those who use laughter to shroud how they really feel, I am guilty of this as well.
There was a smile on my face no matter how badly I was feeling, being able to hide the misery inside became easy at an early age. School is hell when you are different, and I was taller and larger than everyone in kindergarten and you can only imagine how it went from there.
It turned from curious inquires on why i was taller and chunker to blatant remarks in first grade. And the pounds just kept coming, I cannot blame anything on my parents they did with what we had. We had a garden and being a kid, you couldn't pay me to eat that stuff. So the things I did eat weren't the greatest, its not any fault of my parents. Its genetics and lack of information... period..
I started really noticing hate when I was in second grade, where kids who didn't seem to mind talking to me the years before. Suddenly became way too cool to be seen talking to me, I was weird and fat and didn't have the coolest bookbag or clothes. It suddenly became very lonely to be in school, so I would act up laughing at myself at least was some sort of attention. Any bit of attention was better than being hated and ignored. So of course I became the class clown, at least you're funny!!!
Its how I have dealt with everything my entire life, as long as I laugh first, then no one can hurt me. That is a huge load of bullshit, it always hurt. It hurt when I laughed at myself and it hurt when they laughed with me. Because no matter what they were still making fun of me, and I was still as lonely and hurt as ever. So the rest of my school experience was horrific, getting gum tossed in my hair, being bullied and shamed. Being spit at and pushed down, and of course the one thing in life that made me feel good was eating.
So eating my feelings was the only way I knew to cope, and I would accept anyones friendship no matter how badly they would treat me. Because any attention was better than none at all right? Lets skip out of the school zone and chalk it up to living in the area I did, and the lack of information.
When my father died my world stopped.. IT STOPPED! everything shifted and the world simply dropped out of orbit for me. He was my best friend, one of the only people in my life that loved me for just me. He raised me while my poor mom had to work and slave away to try and pay bills. She put herself through college and tried to make a life for us. It wasn't easy on her part either, so when I tell you the world stopped for me, it crashed for her. ...
Life as i knew it became nothing, I wanted to join him so badly. I simply couldn't understand why God would take him from us. Why on earth did I have to live without my daddy. I still wonder that from time to time, but as I am much older and wiser I understand that God puts angels in your life and sometimes they aren't meant to stay there forever because he needs them back.
Anyways, thinking about Robin Williams death.. I know that place he was in, I know that sinking feeling. That feeling of making everyone else laugh so they don't see your dying little by little inside. That dark cloud that never seems to dissipate. The worries and shortcoming constantly keeping you up at night. The feeling that you can't breathe, and if only it could just stop. That feeling that everyone would be so much better off if I were gone. That no one loves or cares for me, and that the pain would finally end. That wish for peace and quiet in my head just for a moment. That the darkness that surrounds me would finally envelope me and I would be at rest.
In early 2000's I got out of Job Corps and became severely depressed. I wouldn't come out of my room, I would lay in bed for days and days. Not eating not drinking not talking, just waiting for death to take me. I would carve words into my flesh because at least in that moment i would feel something. I would feel pain which was so much better than the dead feelings I had inside. But when my friends would come around or someone would call I would do my best to laugh and joke and pretend I was having a great time. Inside of course I would be screaming, pleading and wishing for it all to be over soon.
I went into a mental hospital three different times trying to figure out what was wrong with me. ... lets leave this one here..This will be a two parter because its getting long and I there is so much I need to say... Ill write more either today or finish it up tomorrow <3
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