I have been avoiding blogging lately because I suffered a heavy blow to my heart, mind, and ego a few weeks back.
I haven't wanted to blog about it until I knew how i actually felt about the situation. Here it is, after much over thinking, crying, throwing things, much depression, therapy, and self loathing. I am finally able to fully blog about it and let the thoughts leave my brain hopefully for good.
Once upon a time, and odd little girl had no friends..... So she found a group of misfits to hang with in highschool that didn't fit in either. We went through lots in JROTC and it was fun times, until my life took a big fat crap and my father died. Once my dad died nothing mattered to me anymore, my life as i was concerned was over. So i stopped caring and dropped out of highschool, disconnected all family ties and friendships and went to Job Corps. Where my life would further disintegrate I went from people being terrible to me in highschool, to real life thugs and delinquents being ultra horrible to me in Job Corps.
So you can imagine that didn't bode well for me either, the story of Job Corps will come one day but its long and drawn out and involves setting a table on fire.... So yeah another time for that!
Once I was released from prison (Job Corps), I found a quiet little place to settle down in Tennessee where I fit in with some really interesting people lol. I always look back on those few years fondly, I still talk to several people that I lived with back then. Anyways! I just kept losing myself, this time in drugs and alcohol. I went into a mental institution three times trying to figure out what was wrong with tme. 2001 is when I started getting agoraphobic and more even more distant that I have ever been before.
I was put on all sorts of drugs, told I was bi polar (*which I am not*), told I am a sociopath (lol maybe i won't tell) there are all sorts of things I was branded. Other than what is really the underlieing problem I fucking miss my dad, has been fat shamed since childhood and I was a big brooding mess. I shunned the world just as they had shunned me, I wanted nothing to do with it. I found ways to live with different people so I wouldn't have to deal with the outside world.
So there is a bit of a backstory for you, now lets get down with how I am feeling today. MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH better, for the first time I don't cringe going outside. I don't cringe walking into a restaurant feeling that people are staring at me. I don't fear going into a door that is closed in an office because everyone always looks when the door opens and i would be stared at. I don't cry myself to bed at night because im scared im going to die tomorrow because im 500 pounds. I don't have to pray to god to bring people who love me. I don't have to make excuses on why i don't want to go to parties because im not feeling well.
I don't have to worry about finding clothes online because there is nothing in a store big enough to fit me. I dont have to hide who i am under hundreds of pounds of fat anymore, those layers are gone. I loving the person I have become, and the person I am still trying to achieve. But not everyone feels the same way about me now...
Friends that I thought were ride or die, aren't..... and i guess thats the hardest thing I have had to come to grips with. Is that when you change yourself, when you turn your life upside down not everyone is going to like the new you.
That happened to me a few weeks ago, my god I had to realise that I have changed so much that someone I have known half my life no longer wants anything to do with me. That someone I felt was real family could just cut me off like I was nothing to her. That someone that I would have given anything for, kidney, liver... anything a fucking bullet could drop me like I was yesterdays trash.
I have had to come to terms with this, and accept it for what it is. The old nirvana would run back groveling and asking for forgiveness. The old Nirvana would scream and cry and brood, running from life and think about what a horrible person she is. The old nirvana isn't fucking here anymore, that fat self loathing bitch died August 20th 2013. Its been a year since I have seen here almost, and I'm not visiting her grave to grieve.
I will not be used and abused nor will I crawl back on my hands and knees begging. I am a damn good person... I love passionately and if I consider you family I would do anything to help you. If I have it and I can do it is yours.. I hate what happened to my friendship, it hurt me more than I can express. And time may heal all things who knows.. maybe years down the road we can come back together. But right now its about getting my life back together, and focusing on building my family. This person helped me more than I can express, for that I am eternally grateful. I couldn't say enough about what this person did for me to help me get my gastric bypass. And I will stay grateful no matter if we are talking or not.
I love this person with everything I have, and that won't change because I am not talking to her. It just simply is what it is, I am not the girl you met in highschool, I am not the same helpless, wheelchair bound person I was last year.. I cannot go back to yesterday I was a different person then!!
With much love my pretty little losers, your favorite Villainess N~
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