I drank myself stupid last night for the first time since surgery I had WAYYYYY to many: plus had some fairly salty food to add to it. I haven't been eating right for the last two weeks and I know why.... I got angry because I took hormones to help me get my cycle and it didn't work. I feel faulty.... Everyone asks when are you going to start having kids. I know plenty of people who have kids who are bigger than you now...
I don't think people understand how much that hurts me... I am devastated that I cannot have children yet, and then of course I get the people who are don't get pregnant now you will gain all your weight back........!! I am damned if i do.. and damned if i don't.... I am going to be 36 years old, I want children so badly but its not in the cards right now. Its very hard for me yet no one seems to understand, if i could I would... If God wants to grant it then it will be soooo I have no control over having kids. My husband is fucking perfect we have tested, its all me baby!!!
So today I need to get this out, because I am eating my feelings which is something I cannot allow myself to do.
I am so bored being at home during the day, I really need to find a job or something to do. Because eating out of boredom isn't an option either, and everyone knows when they are doing it. So today the scale screamed at me 338... thats the end of that mess! Back to shakes and eating only my diet food, get it together dipshit..
Children are a blessing and I cannot wait to be a mother one day, I am not even upset that its not today... its the fact that I want the option. There is nothing wrong with just wanting the option to have kids is there? I HATE being told you will gain all your weight back, thats two hundred fucking pounds... That isn't going to happen, what do they think i wake up and decide im never eating healthy again, or ill never exercise ever again?!!?? I would be pregnant not stupid!? That shit makes my agent orange act up seriously.. Would it be harder to lose more weight.. I am sure it would with hormones but welcome to being a woman.. If other women can lose it after pregnancy why the hell couldn't I???? I am motivated and dedicated to my new life. I fuck up just like everyone else but I get back on the horse and keep riding damn it... Have a little faith in me will ya!?
I know that people adopt and thats fantastic for them.. But i am not at that point yet, and its not really something I want to consider until I have no options left. I have a dear and beautiful friend that is adopting three wonderful babies.... She is an amazing woman and mother and I am so proud of her so I have nothing against adoption its just not what I am looking into at the moment.
I will be bringing this up to my therapist on monday, hopefully she can shed some light into this mess in my head. I want nothing more than to just hand someone else my brain and let them fix all the crossed wires. Just hand it over and be like here.. you do this! Because I am so fragile about this subject right now, do you see this picture ...
This picture sums it all up, this is my "technically" nieces daughter lily... She's two months old and I fell in love the moment I saw her. The look on my face tells it all, she puked on me and it was all over my hands, pants, shirt and I said.. AWWWWWW!!! I spent a good two hours holding that baby and it was the best feeling ever, she fussed and cried and puked and farted on me and it was perfectly fine with me. One day I pray this will happen for us, doesn't have to be today but I just want to know its a possibility there is nothing wrong with that...
Thats all for now my pretty little losers, I am still waiting on my internet to be reinstalled the one I am on is ballssss right now so no videos for a bit.. <3 from your favorite Villainess N~
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