Without you...

Sleep alludes me .... so often... Tiny glimpses into my memories are all that I am left with. At four in the morning and my brain is running on fumes... 

There are many different levels of pain, and you seemed to hit every single one of them when you left this world... My entire being shattered into a million pieces that day, and I am still glueing myself back together today...

I sit here and sometimes I can smell your cologne, I can almost see you sitting on the blue couch watching nascar.... I can hear you clear your throat with a cigarette burning in the ashtray... I remember so much and so little at the same time... I think of all the unspoken words, that will never be said.. I think of you every time i look in the mirror... I see your eyes staring back at me... I see you .. I see me.... 

You were my best friend, you taught me to work through the pain... God only knows how much pain you must have been in all those years. And how you still worked yourself to the bone, you always tried your hardest to help provide for your family.... I admire that even today, your strength lives on with me.. 

I wish I could have said more, understood what was happening.. I wish mom would have been honest with me the last time you were in the hospital.. If they would have told me you were running out of time, I would have told you the world... But instead I talk to you in my head, praying by some cosmic force you hear me... 

Lonnie came to join you so many years ago, I can picture you both fishing having the best time waiting for the rest of us to get there. 

You should have been here, so many mistakes could have been avoided with your wisdom to guide me.. People often ask if you could bring someone back from the dead who would it be.. and honestly I wouldn't bring you back. Because the pain and the suffering you endured every single day would just be to cruel. You are at peace and I am working on creating my own version of that.. 

I long for the day when I can speak your name without tears rolling down my face. I long for the day when your memories don't haunt me.... I long for the day when we can all be together as a family again.... Because you and Lonnie made the world a little dimmer when you were called back home.. Ill be here to carry on stories of how great my children's grandfather and uncle were..  I will be forever grateful that I had either of you for as long as I did. but that doesn't change the fact that you are beyond missed by everyone who knew you.. rest in peace daddy.... 

I love you.... xo from your favorite Villainess N.. <3