Abandonment...

This topic hits super hard and close to home... I have the worlds worst case of abandonment and daddy issues. Matter of fact when I I meet someone new, they can immediately see the extra baggage I carry. Matthew on the other hand, has had to deal with said extra baggage for years now.. 

When you are with someone who needs constant praise and approval its can become rather tiring, to say the least. I feel horrible for it sometimes, I can catch it before it comes out of my mouth. Maybe you don't understand what I mean, and how it could be tiring to someone who obviously doesn't share these issues. Well allow me to give you some examples.. 

Feeling that your not good enough, for a person friend, family, or lover. The feeling that they can and will find someone better than you. The itching feeling that if they are 10 minutes late and haven't called that surely they have found someone more interesting and just don't want to tell you. Its that nagging feeling in the back of your head, that constantly lets you know that no matter how good of a person you are one fuck up from being alone .. 

There are a lot of things I am working on, and this is just part of my getting to know who I am... That means I have to face my fears, no matter how silly or upsetting they may be. Its time to stop hiding behind walls and barriers. It is finally time to open the door wide and allow some fucking sunshine in this place!! I have spent so many years under my own personal tyranny, my own form of torture that I don't know anything else. I am unable to function in normal situations, which is something I desire to fix before we get pregnant and I pass along these neuroses to my children. 

Finding a mate when you are well.. for lack of better words "nuts" is hard enough. But to actually have a long lasting relationship with someone is almost unheard of when you have these issues. I just so happened to find someone with the patience of a saint. He accepts me with all my faults, and constantly reassures me he won't leave me ever. 

But there you go, thats the root of the problem he shouldn't have to constantly reassure me that he won't leave. I should be confident in my own skin, to know he won't find anyone better. That there is no one else that could snatch him away. But in my mind no matter how much weight i lose, no matter how good I am starting to feel. My mind is constantly under attack, you will have too much loose skin when this is over. He will hate it, and despise the money you will need to fix it.... What if you can't have kids after all, you know Nirvana that its something he wants more than anything, so he will just leave you for someone who can....

This is the stupid shit that flows through my mind almost daily, and I for one and simply tired of it. I am annoyed with my lack of love for myself, and respect. If you cannot respect the person you are, why the hell would anyone else respect you. Though he loves me, its not enough I have to learn to love myself. Today i started with telling myself that I have pretty eyes. I have my fathers eyes, and that made me smile. I will no longer allow myself to wallow in self pity and doubt. We have been together for six years, and this poor man has seen me at my absolute worst at 500+ pounds. Life is a million times better than it used to be, and its about time I come to realize it. 

Friends come and they go, family drift in and out of your life and that's got to be okay for me. I cannot run from family and potential friends because I'm scared to commit, because I am scared to being hurt. Life is going to be different and I can make meaningful relationships that will last if I will let them.. 

Thats all for today my pretty little losers... From your favorite Villainess N!! <3