Pain...

Yesterday .... was hard, wait that is an understatement it wasn't just hard it was down right painful. Yesterday I spent a good portion of time talking to my mother, we laughed and cried and reminisced about days when my father and brother were with us... When we were a completed family. Thinking about the used to be's is always hard, but to see the pain etched on her face everytime a flitter of a memory flows through her mind.. is painful. Never ending pain that will NEVER get better, it will never stop hurting it will never feel okay.... 

I remember as if it was yesterday I talked to you on the phone, asking how you were feeling. You told me you had come down with a cold.. How could I have known? How could anyone have understood that in a few short precious days you would stop breathing forever. That you would pass in your sleep, that at 38 years old I would need to worry about you not some how being there? 

I remember as if it was yesterday you hugging me goodbye when you dropped me off in Kingsport Tn, to make my new life. I remember having to use a walkie talkie on the ride up the mountains as I followed behind, your sleep apnea so bad you would constantly fall asleep at the wheel. And how i was terrified about you having to make the trek back to NC by yourself. You had a daughter and a wife waiting for you at home.. I remember as if it was yesterday your voice in my ear, telling me you loved me punkie and that we would see each other soon... 

I never got that chance, life turned its course and your gone. A small glimmer a blink of an eye, and your missing from existence. I know your watching, everyone says that... everyone wants to feel better at the thought their loved ones are "watching" us.. Yet I don't feel that way, heaven or whatever form of it is... is where you are no longer bothered with the physical realm, its so perfect and beautiful you are at rest. I just know your waiting on the other side, with daddy, nana, poppy until we can all be back together one day. 

But today I feel myself ache for you, I woke up thinking of your laugh in my dreams. I woke up wanting to call you so badly I searched for your number on my phone, and realized..... its been many years since YOUR number was on my phone... I felt today that hollow emptiness that haunts me. That deep throb where my brother used to be.... you were my protector and my confidant. You were the one person I could run to with anything and never worried about a glimmer of judgement. You were imperfect too..... God I miss you, I miss you...... I miss you.... 

I wish I knew then all the things I know now, I wish i could have gotten you gastric bypass. I wish I could have helped motivate you to change. To take better care of yourself, to learn when to stop. Learn when to rest when you needed it.... and learn when to put the fork down. I wish to God I could have saved you, kept you here with us. So that I wouldn't have to see the pain on my mothers face, when she remembers somberly that she buried her first born. That I wouldn't have to tell everyone that I only have ONE brother not two... You were supposed to threaten Matthew for me, tell him if he ever hurt me what you would do... You were supposed to walk me down the isle because daddy left us too... You were supposed to do so many great and wonderful things with your life. But food, drugs and simple neglect took you from us all ........ 

I love you......... forever and I will see you again... i will see you again.. I will..  

Nirvana... xo