Late night ramble ... ramble ... ramble...

I should be making a video but I just haven't gotten the gumption today. Been wondering a lot about my eating habits, and the fact it feel like I can eat a lot more than I should. This bothers me for many reasons, the first reason is because I feel that I should still be on half cup portions. I know I know I am nine months out and this is the time where I should be transitioning into a cup of food. But it feels wrong, I enjoyed feeling rather full on my tiny amounts. But as I become more active I do wonder if I am eating enough... 

These are all problems someone with weightloss surgery deals with, well scratch that.. This is something anyone who has extra weight should be dealing with. Portion size and control... its the hardest damn thing in the world. Why can't I eat an entire CAKE?! why shouldn't I have 3 cupcakes today? If i hurry up and eat this entire bag of chips today then I can start back on my diet tomorrow.. THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS! and yes i am yelling... not at you but when I read this 50 times like I know I will do. I can only hope that it will sink in .... say it with me.... eating a whole bunch of shit in one day doesn't make up for you eating better tomorrow. 

Thats horse shit, you shouldn't have to start over again tomorrow. There is no starting over...... NO DO OVER BUTTON! You don't get a mulligan ma'am .. its now or never. I get so frustrated with myself when I feel that eating like shit today, its perfectly fine because tomorrow is another day. You aren't promised tomorrow asshole.. so you sound stupid saying that. Tough love, its whats for dinner... its the other other other other white meat... lol

I become angry when I see so many posts of this is what regain looks like, to me those posts are pretty much saying HEY this is what failure looks like, the waters fine come on in.... cos you know.. tomorrow is another day!!??!!! Do.. not.... want....!! You don't post this is what regain looks like, you take that picture and put it on your fridge and every time you go to open it you see what your eating is doing to you. You take that picture and do you something about it.. its not a joke its not funny. 

I am annoyed because regain is scary for me, it was easy as hell to get this weight on., And it has proven to be hard as hell to get it off. So regaining any of this back makes me nervous. Not that I realize to some degree it shall eventually happen. I am not stupid I do know I will never be perfect and I will always have to work hard to keep as much of it off as i can. Its called will power, and having a back bone and those things were hiding under an extra 170 pounds.. Who knows what else I may find when I shed the other 150 left to go... 

There is a small person in here somewhere, I can feel her when I lay on my side and feel my ribs poking out. Or when I lay down flat and see whats left of my boobs over top of my stomach instead of the other way around. I can see her when I turn my neck a certain way and see a jaw line and collar bones just underneath the surface. But its going to take time, I still have a ton of weight to remove and lets not even talk about loose skin. I am no longer the scared shell of a human I was at 512+ pounds, the invalid lump that never wanted to leave her house... She is dead... I officially pronounced her dead when I woke up from surgery... I buried that bitch in the coffin that once had my name on it... I am now 340 pound woman who is learning to love herself, trying to figure out what the next step is. A whole realm of possibilities has opened up, and they are ripe for the picking. I just have to reach out and dare to take them.. 

I will be someone else by the time this is all over, when I am sitting at whatever weight I feel comfortable at... The trick will be loving this journey instead of being afraid of it... Loving all the NSV's no matter how small they may be, they are huge compared to how I was living. If i can call that living at all.. 

Well its almost time for me to close my eyes, good night my pretty little losers... From your favorite Villainess N... <3