Last night... I lost something that I have been carrying around since I was in high school. Since I was a wee spring of a girl hiding in the bathroom stall to change clothes during gym... The scared depressed little part of me that has been always every present in the back of my mind...
My feet hurt, I have ingrown toe nails, my hip burns.... and the list of whys and shouldn't goes on and on.. just little weeds of self doubt planted firmly in my brain since I was little. Its annoying to be your own worst fr-enemy.... The person who should lift you up, the one person you should be able to count on is yourself... What happens when that person lets you down in the worst of ways? Well I can tell you from personal experience, you end up 500+ pounds.
The number one excuse for years of my life, was its going to hurt me. Did no one understand that I just couldn't, it wasn't possible... that everyone's expectations of me were far too high!!! I simply couldn't and shouldn't and ultimately I didn't....
Its amazing how someone changes throughout life, thinking that you are the same person with the same beliefs and the same ideals as when you were younger is ridiculous.... I have changed so much from the time I was in high-school, until today. I do believe that you have to hit rock bottom to understand life sometimes. I think that once you scrap the bottom of the barrel of life, you appreciate things a hell of a lot more.
Being fat did many things for me, it wasn't just a hindrance. Most people will say that being fat was the worst thing ever.... I believe that being fat was unhealthy, and miserable, and it sucked ass many many times. There is a but coming... wait for it.... wait for it....!!!
But my personality is built on many things, we are a product of our environment! I have always believed that... without a doubt that the person I am today is greatly due to the things I went through growing up. And when I say growing up I mean well until I hit 35 years of age. Hell i would even be so basin to say that perhaps we never finish growing up....
This will be a bit of a long blog today, I have a lot of on my mind. Back to what I was saying, I am a product of my experiences. I firmly believe that had I not went to job corps in my early adulthood, I would not be where I am sitting today. I have gone through hell and back, the brink of death staring me in the mirror and back. I tell you the other-side doesn't look that appealing when your not suicidal... Learning to deal with ones own demons can be hard, what makes this every so much harder is facing the fact that this was all my own damn fault.........
As I would LOVE to blame every pound, every ounce, every fold on the people and things that have hurt me. Alas I cannot for I am the one who put every spoonful into my mouth. No one forced me to eat like crap and not exercise. No one person held a gun to my head and said EAT THIS ENTIRE KEY LIME PIE within 24 hours or ill end you right here!.... No... no.. no... that was all me... my way of justifying the chaos in my own mind. The turmoil of losing ones father, and brother... grandparents and friends...
Its all about perspective... can you stand back and take a good deep look at yourself and say ....... I love you.... just the way you are..... a beautiful catastrophe .. you were never made to be perfect ... you are not chiseled out of marble .... you are your own masterpiece an ever changing work of art!?
I digress the moral of this blog today, is that I have given up the word CAN'T! this word is no longer allowed when it comes to my health and well-being. The word can't will be replaced with I'll do my best, I am going to try, and lets just see how far I can go... Today is a new dawn, a new day... and new life.. Let your can'ts, maybes, not sures, and your won'ts behind and embrace your own strength... I believe in you...
That's all for now my pretty little losers, from your favorite Villainess N.... <3
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete