Often times I find myself reminiscing about the past, thinking about how different my life could have been. But then again that doesn't really help me does it? I cannot change any of it whats done is done, and the only thing i can work on, the only thing I can change is the outcome of my future.
I have made so many stupid mistakes in my life that its not remotely amusing to me. The things that bother me the most are the things I cannot seem to let go of. I would love to say all my weight came on after my dad died, after my brother passed. But thats not the truth, I was heavy my entire life and sadly I didn't know how to fix "myself back then". I didn't realize half of what I do now, but who really does in hindsight?
Side note: my ass hurts the padding that once covered my booty is slowly leaving me and sitting for too long in any chair hurts my ass.. that is all..
I am so proud of how far I came, but a big part of me is angry I even got here to begin with. The fact I had to cut my stomach open and rearrange my body parts pisses me off. The fact that I had to wait until I was 34 to get my head out of my ass also pisses me off. I tried to get gastric bypass in 2004, but my insurance said it was too "new" and that they wouldn't pay for it. I know that had I gotten off the ball and gotten on ssi I could have gotten it done faster as well, and of course been on disability at the same time. But I have always gone the path of less resistance and filing paperwork was annoying so I just waited. To die... or for something else to happen to change my life.
Matthew did change my life and for the better, he gave me so much hope and love and friendship that I finally found the reason to change. It wasn't for HIM per-say but he is a large part of it, I used to pray to God every night please .. please.. please bring me someone who could love me for me.. someone who could see past all my fat and just love and cherish me.. I cried myself to sleep praying this same prayer constantly wishing I had a hand to hold, wishing someone would want to be romantic with me.. Someone would NEED and WANT me, i was so lonely and only getting bigger. I felt broken and used up, I felt that I would never have anyone who would treat me well, and find that "one".
But I did he fell in to my lap in and built a friendship he made it so easy to love him. And though i was terrified and scared to show the REAL me, after all the pain I had suffered. He didn't even bat an eye about my weight, I thought he was a scammer. I had no idea what I had stumbled across, the "one" I was praying for had finally come. And here we are six years later stronger and happier than I have ever been in my entire life.
I know in my heart that I had to go through all the horrible events of my life in order to be where I am today. I understand that I would not appreciate Matthew the way I do, had I never dealt with the God awful relationships I had before him. I would not be the person I am today if life had been easy.
The past is the past, but its still important it shows you where you have been. And lets you appreciate how different your life has become.. Or at least that is what I am taking from it, the past doesn't have to repeat itself. I am far from where I want to be but.. I am closer to success than I am failure.
I want nothing more in life than to see my friends and family succeed, to watch them flourish and grow. Its amazing to see how hard people are willing to fight for a better tomorrow. I have seen people drop serious weight, overcome so many obstacles that others would have given up over. Being on Facebook and YouTube has taught me so much about people in general. Sure there is drama, but the community is so much more than that. A little drama won't kill us in fact it spices things up from time to time.
I am very sleepy its late for me but I am trying to upload a damn video and its already been an hour, i really wish i could turn the good net on here... argh being broke right now SUCKS!! lol xo won't be too long im sure no worries you know im still here you can find me on facebook and youtube if you need me.. <3
Thats all for now my pretty little losers from your favorite villainess N~
https://www.facebook.com/NirvanaBowersLee
https://www.youtube.com/user/VapidVillainess
http://vapidvillainess.blogspot.com
http://nirvanathegastricfoodie.blogspot.com/
Another Awesome Blog
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